A whole year of blogging!

Wow. This is definitely an achievement if you take into account my previous history in blogging, even compared to my diary-writing days. I have 25 entries for this year, I changed my layout twice and added some page elements. I still don't have a picture though. I meant to add one today but i changed my mind. The picture sort of don't fit in. I also meant to give an analysis on my blog entries and an account of the holidays but I'm already sleepy. I'll have to do it next time and by next time I most likely mean in 2008. Cheers!

He aint fat!

His barong is a little too big for him and that's what creating some bulges!

Can't take the uber girly-ness of the old layout.

So I made a new one.

Love it.

Business as usual

I find this phrase very cold. Almost soulless.

An army tank is parked beside a christmas tree in a hotel lobby creating a very bizarre image. Its still business as usual.

A neophyte senator lost his mind, committed a poltical suicide, created a... umm... the palace calls it a "situation"... walked out of his mutiny hearing, marched down the street of Makati Ave. called on the people to join him in his stand in demanding that the president step down. A president who has legitimacy issues, a whole bunch of corruption issues, moral issues, self-image issues (she was seen buying kitchen stuff for the palace at a flea market. seriously! her people surely must have people to do those things. doesnt she have more pressing things to do like alleviate poverty perhaps?) He spent his afternoon on this very posh hotel, famous for its cascading waterfalls, he is joined by a former scout ranger general, who also have history of mutiny, a former vice-prsident, a bishop emeritus, a number of rebel soldiers carrying m16 around the lobby (to the entertainment of the hotel guest) and a small group of civilian supporters. Still, its business as usual.

By the way, I know what to call what happened last thursday: desperation.

I never liked his ways of getting attention but I can see why he flipped out. He is desperate. His mutiny failed, he tried the democratic process and 11 million voted for him to be senator yet he has to attend a single senate session. There is no way in hell They would let him. Hell, the whole country is desperate.

Even the Palace is desperate that's why they like the line business as usual so much. It is completely devoid of heart.

People are hungry. It's business as usual.
People die hungry. It's business as usual.
People accuse you of stealing. Its business as usual.
People don't believe you.
People hate you.
It's freaking business as usual.


The economy is up!
Education and morality is down.
So are health and the people's sense of security.
Not to mention their hopes and dreams.
Ofcourse, it's business as usueal



Foreign investors are coming in!
People are going out.
People can't wait to get out.
Poor people can't get out, so they die instead.
Still it's business as usual.

It is so business as usual, that just after that "situation" and corruption accusation, the president don't see any reason not to go to Europe. with her big entourage in tow. how big? The group includes 34 congresspeople, with their spouses. Also, a number of senators, I mean, no one can miss that senator with his big face and trapo smile. That is business as usual.

We also want to go to Europe. Isama niyo naman kami sa pangarap niyo.


The problem with gloria is she is an economist and not a leader, she doen't have vision. She acts like she is middle management and not the CEO. She views the foreign investors as bosses and she want her branch of globalization to look good and perform well... in paper atleast. These foriegn investors can pack up anytime they want, especially if they find somewhere else cheaper. Why not make your people the investors, develop them so they can be investors; that way we wouldn't depend so much on these foreigners. A true leader would shows us the way so we can stand alone. Maybe, she doesn't believe in what we can do. in what we are capable to do. Bitch.

What does she care, its business as usual for her.

this new layout is irritatingly girly

I haven't written for a whole month. It's not really a writer's block, I have a lot of things to write about, I just don't want to write about them. I'm bored with writing about sad stuff. It's not me and it seem totally foreign. You see, I now remember how I were before all the shitty stuff happened and I were a happy person. Well not the energetic-jumpin-out-for-joy happy but I've always have a positive and contented disposition in life. Whenever I leave our house, I imagine the whole neighborhood singing musicals. I'm tired of this melancholy, distressed girl that I have become. I want the old me back.

I can't write about how I got here in this very desperate state. There are just some stories that should never be retold. But now I am willing to admit that I need help.

I need help. This whole working-it-out-on-my-own-thing only got me this far.

Chopsuey thoughts

Nitong mga nakaraang araw, ang daming laman ng utak ko. Kaso, kung ikukumpara sila sa mga nangyayari sa mundo, nawawalan sila ng tila wala silang halaga. Pakiramdam ko tuloy na dapat hindi ko sila iniisip dahil wala naman silang katuturan.

Biru mo naman, may isang ina na naghahanap ng hustisya para sa kanyang panganay na binawian ng buhay dahil umano sa hazing. Wala akong sapat na kaalaman tungkol sa mga frat pero may alam ako tungkol sa hinagpis na nadarama sa pagkawala ng minamahal. Hindi ko maalis sa isip ko iyung imahe ng ina nang siya ay mahimatay sa libing ng kanyang anak. At tuwing nakikita ko ang kapatid ng namatay sa balita, naiisip ko na malamang tinatanong niya ngayon sa sarili kung paano pupunan ang pagkawala ng kanyang kuya. Ang mga pangakong naiwan nito, siya na ngayon ang dapat tumupad noon. Masyadong malaki at mabigat ang lahat para maintindihan ng kanyang musmos na isip.

Tapos, may dalawang magkapatid na tinaboy ng kanilang sariling tito na kanilang tinutuluyan. Kahit ang kanilang ina ay hindi sila matulungan.

May mga kabataang lalaki at babae na nakikipagbakbakan sa gera sa kasalukuyan. Madami sa kanila, mas bata pa sa akin. Wala pang pano ang kanilang presidente kung paano at kelan sila papauwiin.

May isang maybahay na wala ng maiharap na mukha sa mga kapit-bahay niya dahil sa pangalawang pagkakataon, pinapablatter na naman ang kanyang mister sa barangay dahil nanggugulo ito. Nakakatanggap din siya ng mga banta galing sa mga nakakaaway ng mister niya.

Nung isang lingo ginunita ang anibersaryo ng martial law. Madami ang nagsasabi na ang mga nangyayari noong panahon ng martial law ay nangyayari ulit ngayon. Ganoon ba talaga tayo kabilis makalimot? Nung isang lingo din ay napanood ko ang palabas na Boston Legal, tumatak sa akin ang pahayag na ginamit bilag closing argument ng isa sa mga bida. Kinuha nila ito sa isang libro na sinulat ng isang kristyanong pastor tungkol sa karanasan niya noong panahon ng mga Nazi. Ito ang salin sa tagalog:

Nang lipulin nila ang mga komunista, hindi ako nagsalita dahil hindi naman ako komunista.

Nang lipulin nila ang mga mamahayag, hindi ako nagsalita dahil hindi naman ako mamahayag.

Nang lipulin nila ang mga hudyo, hindi ako nagsalita dahil hindi naman ako hudyo.

Nang lipulin nila ang mga katoliko, hindi ako nagsalita dahil naman ako katoliko.

Nang ako naman ang nilipul nila, wala nang natira para magsalita.

Ang daming nawawala, ang daming pinapaslang, ang daming anomalya. At ang lahat ng ito ay nangyayari gamit ang maskara ng demokrasya.

O hindi ba, paano ko magawang problemahin ang mga napakababaw na bagay kung ganito ang nangyayari sa mundo? Pero sige, isusulat ko na din ang mga mababaw na bagay na pinag-iintindi ko.

Nakita ko si Jun sa UP at nang kinamusta niya ako ay kinawayan ko lang siya kahit na ang dami kong gustong ikwento sa kanya. Lalo akong nakukumbinse na may mali sa personalidad ko.

Sinabi sa akin ng aking napakagaling na kapatid na hindi siya makapaniwala na nagkagusto ako sa isang tao na hindi ko naman kilala. Si Dollar Boy ang tinutukoy niya. May super powers ang ngiti ni Dollar Boy, ano ang magagawa ko?

Natalo ang UST sa Ateneo noong Linggo. Tapos na ang season nila sa UAAP. Ang mahirap lang sa UAAP, kada taon, may manlalaro na nagpapaalam. Hindi mo alam kung mapapanood mo pa ulit sila maglaro. Makapaglaro man sila sa ibang liga, hindi mo na rin sila ganoon ka-gusto kasi hindi naman na sila naglalaro para sa unibersidad mo. Hay...

Hindi maalis sa utak ang isang linya ng kanta..."Sweet dreams are made of these", wala namang sweet sa mga panaginip ko.

Malapit na ang birthday ni Jona. Ito ang una niyang kaarawan na malayo sa kanyang pamilya at mga kaibigan. hay..

Siguro kailangan ko lang ilathala ang mga ito para maalis na sila sa utak ko.

Magiiwan ako ng kataga galing kay Confucious:
"If you have to shoot for the moon and the stars, that's okay but you have to shoot for something."





pahabol lang,

para sa iyo,

I want to share your fish tank.
Don't worry. I'm small, I won't take so much space.

Oh...This Piratey Love!

Once upon a time in the ocean of Sage
A young lad and lass was bonded by fate.
Seeking adventures of piratey life they
Stumble on a treasure far grander than
Kraken's blood.

Here is Strangebrew a bright-eyed
Buccaneer pillaging the seas to be
The best pirate there is. She works
Hard on her duty, whatever that may be.
In return she wins friends and lots of
POEs.

Then she met Khaetlil a more seasoned
Sailor. He had mastered the waves and
The whims of the sea. As he guide Brewie
To the ways of the sea he also found
The secret passages to the enclaves of her
heart.

As they roam the seas to find adventures
And treasures, they also found friendship
(and more!) that is definitely more dear.
Though at times they can be such meanies
And hurt one another, they just do that
To drown out feelings that they can't tell
One another.

But alas! The clouds parted, the sun is
Shining. The waves have calm down and
The wind is singing. That's because Brew
And Khae had finally told how they care
For each other and are ready to tell everyone
That indeed, they are together!


-----------------------
for Jean, you're no longer a drama queen.

I am 70% confident he wouldn't get to read this anyway

He was three hours late. He actually forgot about the whole thing. He thought since I didn't show up for their art exhibit the other night, I wasn't interested. I did texted him, but since he changed cellphones, my name didn't register and he isn't the type to text "hu u?".

Although I tried to amuse myself with what the mall has to offer, it really is no fun to window shop alone. I was secretly glad my sister wasn't available to join us, but I wished she was with me at that time. With ample time to spend, I had perfected what I was going to tell him. I wasn't mad. Most girls would be, but I wasn't into it. Besides, I'm tired; getting mad tales effort.

When he came up to me, I hesitated to speak. I realized, I was a little bummed and I wasn't sure I would sound friendly. I think he had spoken five sentences before I blurted out that he should never do it again. "It" meaning make a girl wait for three hours.

We walked towards the National Gallery. As we were about to cross Taft Ave. he suddenly gripped my hand, I pressed back and then I saw the bus that nearly hit us. (The traffic sign said walk!) His touch didn't send tingling shivers through out my body. I guess, when you realize you almost got hit by a bus tingling shivers are the last thing you will feel. The museum was already close when we got there. Sayang.

We walked towards the park. He suggested something to get something to eat. But I was more tired than hungry so we sat on one of the benches. I hadn't been at that park in years. It was refreshing. You wouldn't hear the traffic sounds (which is weird because there was a road right beside it), the tree offer soothing shades and the students practicing their dance routine add life to the scene. It is a nice place to sit and talk.

Beside me, sat a guy who is more updated about my life right now than most of my friends. I've told him things I would never tell my sister. I don't think I really know much about him except that we like a lot of similar things and we sort of connect. But at that moment, we don't know what to talk about. I'm afraid I bored him. (not entirely my fault, I was already tired!) I guess, we were still adjusting to each other's presence, okay maybe I am still adjusting. Normally, friends get closer as they spend time with one another and share experiences. We became friends while facing a screen.

He has really long eyelashes. Long straight eyelashes. Like Bambi's. Ha! He wanted me to open up, like tell him my deepest desires, fears, wishes and secrets. So, its not enough that I've told him things I would never tell people who have known me since birth. He wants all walls down. I don't that. Well, at least not immediately.

He can be pretty charming and irritating at the same time. He won't shut up about the whole never-been-kissed-and-not-having-a-boyfriend thing. He finished high school at Ateneo, no wonder he can be such a smart ass. But he really is smart. And funny. And a little awkward, which is cute. And most of all, he is scary. because I know he can disarm me. I realized that when he was being silent and his eyes were looking tired.

Yes, there was one time I wanted to kick him but there was a couple of times when I wished he will hold my hand instead of holding on to my shoulder. Seriously, who holds on to one's shoulder?

He is getting into my system. You know, like a liquid slowly seeping through the door. It seems that I want to keep him at arms lenght but I also feel like just grabbing his hand and fly.

or something close to that. something more realistic and if possible, less scary.

He's got really long eyelashes.

old photos, timeless teasures

I've spent the day cleaning out one of my Lola's cabinet. It should have taken me at most 40 minutes, because its really just a small space but since I was really looking through all her stuff, it took me two hours. I'm a sucker for old pictures and here are some them that I just can't help but...well, for the lack of a better word, steal. (Don't tell on me!)

Lovely couple right? These are my grandparents. They got married when my Lola was 16 and my Lolo was 22. They lasted for 51 years, until my Lolo died last year. Those 51 years are not all rosy, but they stayed together and they stayed in love until the last day. If you noticed, the picture was ripped apart but it was taped back together again; with a red, electrical tape! Now, that is true love.

This was taken during my christening party. My Lola is carrying me, while my mom sits nearby with the other guests, and her Lola is in the forefront looking every bit of a Doña that she is. Do you notice, there wasn't a single guy in the photo? I love this picture, it says a lot about how my family does things. If mothers are oceans the daughters never escape from, then the grandmothers must be the sky that would never leave us.

My parent's wedding picture, with their parents. I took these because I want to examine what features they have that I inherited and with a deeper analysis, what personalities they have that they passed on. You wouldn't see this, but I hate my mom's make up! Okay, from left to right are Daddy Tatay, Mpmmy Nanay, Momy, Daddy, Mommy Lily and Lolo Jorge. I think I have my Mom Lily's chhekbones and the shape of her face. I have my Dad's nose and smile. I have my Mom's eyebrows and my Daddy Tatay's eyes. I have my Mom's ears.

One of them is me, the other isn't; but both pictures have a caption that said "sweet smile from baby yna!" No wonder I didn't recognize the other baby, it was actually my brother. Haha, he got mistaken for a girl! He was wearing pink and little flowers to boot! I looked like my mom in this picture, but now I look more like my dad. My brother look like his son.

This day was lovely.

dahil walang kausap at cable tv

Naisipan ko na magsulat sa tagalog ngayon dahil Agosto. Dahil Buwan ng Wika ang Agosto, sinususpindi ng mga paaralan ang kanilang "Speak in English policy" kaya naisipan ko na ganoon din ang gawin. Nung sinimulan ko kasi angv blogv na ito, isa sa mga hangarin ko ay ang maibalik ang disiplina sa pagvsusulat kaya pinili ko na mag-sulat sa ingvles kasi mas madali magpahayag ngv nararamdaman sa ingles. Halimbawa, yung sinulat ko ng nakaraan. Dapat ay sa tagalog ko iyon isusulat kaso, hindi ako makaisip ng salitang tagalog para sa "crazy", hindi ko magamit ang "kabaliwan" kasi masyadong mabigat ang salitang iyon para sa akin. Hindi naman kabaliwan yung ginawa ko, ang alam ko nagiisip pa ako nung ginawa ko iyon. Higit pa dun, maliit na bagay lang yung ginawa ko, hindi sapat na tawaging kabaliwan. Siguro, hindi ugali ng mga Pinoy na gumawa ng mga ganoong bagay kaya walang salita para doon. Sabihin nyo sa akin kung mayroong salitang tagalog para doon, baka naman nagkakamali lang ako.


Ngayon ko lang napansin na madalas palang ginagamit ang letrang "g" sa mga salitang tagalog. Nagloloko kasi ang keyboard ko ngayon, kapag gumagamit ako ng "g" may lumalabas na kasamang letrang "v" kaya kailangan kong burahin lahat ng letrang "v". Kung may nakaligtaan ako, pasensya na.

Napansin ko din na mas malumay at seryoso ang tono ng pagsusulat ko kapag tagalog ang gamit ko. Sa totoo lang, napansin ko na ito nung nasa kolehiyo pa ako. Kahit subukan ko na lagyan ng kaartehan o komedya, hindi lumalabas na ganoon kadalasan nagiging melo-dramatiko at nag-uumapaw sa damdamin at nahihirapan akong kontrolin.


Sa kalagayan ko ngayon, importante sa akin na manatiling kontrolado ang aking nararamdaman. Kadalasan kasi negatibo ang mga ito, kaya lalong kailangan na kontrolin. Alam ko na may mga naisulat ako na puno ng galit, sabihmin na langv natin na iyon na angv kalahmdongv bersyon. Isipin mo na lang kung nasa tagalog iyon, mas magiging mabigat ang bawat salita baka hindi ko na maisulat at sumabog na lang kumpyuter sa tindi ng galit. Importante sa akin ang maglabas ng hinaing( hindi ba't isa iyon sa silbi ng blog?), lalo na kung galit ito (baka kasi ako ang sumabog) yun nga lang, hanga't maaari sa kalmadong paraan sana.


Hindi ko rin maisip kung paano ko isusulat sa tagalog ang mgva kwento tungkol kay Dollar Boy, baka lumabas na parang nobelang pang-romansa ito. Alam nyo ba ang salitang "flirt" sa tagalog? Landi. Landi ang katumbas ng "flirt" sa tagalog. Hindi iyon bagay sa imahe ko. Bukod pa dun masyadong negatibo ang pananaw sa salitang iyon. Hindi ko ito pwedeng gamitin.


Dahil wala akong magawa kanina, naisipan kong mag-friendster. Hindi talaga ako mahilig mag-friendster pero naisip ko na rin na kamustahin ang mga dating kaibigan, mga minsang hinangaan at minsang kahit kaunti ay minahal. Gusto ko lang malaman kung ano na ang pinag-bago ng buhay nila. Gusto ko din malaman kung may pakialam ako kung ano man ang nagbago sa buhay nila. Sa iba meron, sa iba wala masyado. Siguro kasi, wala namang malaking pagbabago sa buhay nila. O sadyang, hindi na ako interesado sa buhay nila.

Ang hirap talaga ng walang cable tv.

May nakapag-payo sa akin na kalimutan ko na si Dollar Boy kung hindi ko lang din siya yayain lumabas. Ito ay dalawang bagay na hindi ko pwedeng gawin. Nung una, naisip ko na tama siya. Napagdesisyunan ko na kung sa Disyembre ay wala pa ring nangyayari, kakalimutan ko na nga siya. Pero hindi. Ang pag-ibig ay hindi dapat binibigyan ng taning. Sino ako para pangunahan ang kagustuhan ng tadhana? Naghihintay lang ako. Kung darating ang panahon na kailangan ko na nga siyang kalimutan, bibigyan ako ng tadhana ng dahilan at hindi ko na kailangan pilitin ang paglimut sa kanya. Sa ngayon, hayaan ninyo lang ako na matamasa ang mga ngiti niya.

Chronicles of Dollar Boy 6

Once in a while, we need to do something crazy just to keep life from being mundane, so it won't be too boring. Maybe even to feel emotions we have forgotten.

When I wrote in a poem the words "drench me... flood every road, every vein...", I never imagined that fate would take it literally!

So I did something crazy last Wednesday. I guess its because the storm was lashing out in Manila. The roads are flooded and cars aren't moving so I have to spend 3 1/2 hours listening to the cheesiest radio station on air. Anyway, I felt I need to do something crazy in connection to Dollar boy. Just to keep him real. Like the real, crazy storm outside.

The Dollar boy in my head is cuter than the real Dollar boy. I realized that when my sister unfeelingly pointed out that he is not that cute. Maybe he is not that cute(he is still cute though), but not all overly cute guys have his slow-dancing stare that I'm so crazy about. It seems that my sister doesn't like him. First, she said that he was too giggly. Then, that cute comment and then she said something that I should hurry to get a job so I can meet someone else. sigh. She doesn't understand. I won't be interested in someone else. There is no one more intriguing than the guy behind the glass window.

He no longer beams at me like he used to. He just smiles. I don't understand, he chats with every person he assists but when it comes to me, it was all business-like, even the flirty smile disappears. So I have to do something drastic. Not minding that it was totally inappropriate.

After all, a girl gotta do what a girl have to do. And I have to ask about that ring, it no longer looks like a college ring to me(maybe it was a different ring, we'll never know). So when we are about to leave, I backtracked. I told him I have to ask him something. He said, "Yes, Ma'am?" (I find that amusing:)) Then there was a silent tension, for dramatic purposes, so he will get the essense of the question thoroughly. I asked him if the ring he is wearing is a wedding ring. He grinned and ask why. I replied, "Just because." He said no. I said ok and stepped away, I heard him laugh(sweet, sweet music). By that time, I was laughing too, I said thank you and saw the gay one in the cubicle beside him looking shocked.

So now he knows I'm interested in his civil status.

However this turns out, I got a kick out of what I did. I really enjoyed it. The last I felt that thrilled was the Japs Sergio event. And that is almost a year ago.

I felt alive that day. Maybe I should ask inappropriate questions more often.

World, say hello to the luckiest kid!

My nephew was born last friday and right now I am typing beside his crib while he is sucking on his milk bottle.


He is small. Well, he is normal size compared to kids his age but compared to me, he is small. I don't know if I can call him fragile. My friend descride me as fragile and I think this baby is more than fragile. At the same time, I also think this baby is tough. He have really small arms; small, delicate arms but you should see how he raise them up as if saying "World! Bring it on!"

Fun fact: he was born on a Friday the 13th. What is fun about it is he does not only have regular birthdays but also Friday the 13th celebrations. This kid would get so used to receiving presents.


He doesn't do much. He actually sleeps all day. And drink milk in between. But every move and every sound he makes is amazing. Watching him sleep isn't boring at all. I can't actually stop looking. Nobody can. It's really weird.


He also takes up a lot of space. To think he is just 18cm, he takes up a lot of space. I used to have my classmates stay here overnight, there would be about four to seven of them and I can accomodate them all without intruding too much on my grandparents. But this baby came along and it looks like, well it looks like he now owns the house. I'm not complaining, just pointing it out. It just amaze me, how someone that small could yield so much power.


More on lucky son when he can do more.

****************


I saw dollar boy today. I didn't say "hi". I can't. I didn't looked perfect nor did I felt daring. Last week, I looked perfect and daring.

He is becoming less real. This sucks. I can't lose him without doing anything. That is just so me. I hate that part of me. Worse, I am going to obssess about this for the next two weeks until I see him again and say "hi". He is becoming less real! You know, more like a shadow but in color. Like when you lessen the opacity of an image in photoshop. This is really bad. Even a shopping escapade did not cheer me up! I finished my poem for him though. How I wish I have the guts of the speaker in the poem. But I am the speaker in the poem! I just wish it would translate from poetry to real life. I am not sure of the title, I can't think of anything right now. But I think the poem is decent. Sigh


Rain Song

You are the clouds that reign over Manila in June.
And it looks like there is no escaping you.
Every commuter and street peddler
hurries to seek cover. But not me, I lay down
on the streets of this old city. And I dare you.

Drench me.
Let your waters flood every road, every vein,
every corner and every thought. Turn this city
into an ocean I would never escape from.
Because my dear, if I drown in the puddles
of your eyes, I really wouldn’t mind.

"... I lay down on the streets of this old city..." Yeah right! I couldn't even say "hi". The thing is, if I drown in his eyes; I really, really would not mind it at all.

Chronicles of Dollar Boy 5

He wasn't there.


But unlike before, I don't hate it as much. I actually thought it was funny. Sometimes, things just won't go your way. And me not being pissed off, is part of the all new "not worrying about it too much" rule.


So much for feeling confident and wearing the perfect make-up. Atleast, I discovered a new combination of color for my lips. But the positive things pretty much end there.


I shouldn't have gone today. There was sign, my kuya told me to just do it on Friday. But I figured I may not have the unusual confidence I was feeling this morning so I went ahead.


I'm starting to think my instincts are no good.


I'll still go to philtrust next wednesday. I have to see him. I miss him. But there's no way, I'm going to flirt with him in front of Rozza. She doesn't know about dollar boy. And she's my little sister. Argh.


I really do miss him. Funny, his absence sort of adds to his character. Sigh. He is not making my life easy, now I have to think of what to wear on Wednesday. Men.

Chronicles of Dollar Boy 4

John Krasinski isn't dating anyone.

Someone as adorable, talented, and has a smile that can make you floatin the air as John Krasinski is totally available. Huh. To think that he stars at a hit comedy show and is also starring in his first movie lead role with Robin Willams and Mandy Moore, his being single is very interesting.

It is not the most impossible thing in the world for Dollar boy to be unattached right? The thing is when I was 16, I've read this book Wizard's First Rule and it said that people are stupid; people would believe what they want to believe becase they want it to be true or because they are afraid that it is true. I sort of taken it to heart, so now I second guess everything I believe. For example, the ring on Dollar Boy's finger; it looks like a college ring but it can also be a very big, very intricate wedding ring. So I debated with myself for months before choosing to believe that its a college ring until proven otherwise. Another is his name; sometime last year my Lola called her bank and talked to the teller to assisted her the previous day. She also innocently shared to me that his name is Raymond. Hmm... could Raymond be Dollar boy? Because it was Dollar who assisted my Lola with her accounts the day before. But it seemed too easy, so I refuse to believe it until I heard it for myself. I don't want to believe something only to be dissapointed that it isn't true. I don't think I can handle dissapointment with this guy. In May, when I saw a girl flirting with him and I realize that it was so easy with other girls yet for me flirting with him is like taking a Political Dynamics exam; I sort of had difficulty breathing for the next two days. So no, dissapointment is totally out of the picture.

Anyway, last month I devise this action plan on how I would get him. For June my goal is to confirm his name and I achieved that. I heard someone call him Raymond. So there, my Lola was right. Suddenly, Raymond became a beautiful name. Though I sort of hope that I would know his name when he introduce himself to me but I guess God works in His own way. I'll take anything I can get. For this month, the goal is to flirt with him, verbally or non-verbally I just have to try to flirt with him. I feel sorry for myself that I have to write that. It seemed so desperate. The thing is, my friends are right, I have to do something because if I don't nothing would come out of it. I have to make Dollar boy happen and its up to me to make it happen. Easy for them to say, their brain doesn't freeze whenever his eyes drowns my soul. Sigh, but they're right. Anyway, the world had been desperate a long, long time ago; I guess desperate wouldn't be so bad.

So, we have to do flirting. Talking just doesn't cut it because I tried talking and it wasn't anywhere near flirting it was more like a disaster. I am thinking I should start with something small like smiling back. Not a polite smile, but something naughty and flirty but not too much. The smile should stay on the sweet side. My friend says if I did that, I probably get to go out with him some time next year, that is if he haven't impregnated someone and married her by that time. I need to do something more proactive. But I am not proactive. I wish I could develop this skill where you can make people do what you want but make them think that it was actually their decision to do it. Like, if I am going to ask Dollar boy out, I have to make it appear that he is actually the one asking me out. But I can't develop that skill in a week and I don't think I have the character for that. Sigh. I think I can say "hi". Especially if I am feeling unusually brave and compose that day. I can come up to him and say "hi". What if he doesn't say "hi" back. You see the two times I've talked to him he sort of just stood and looked at me until I've finished what I had to say. One time, I said "hello" before anything else and he didn't say "hello" back; though it must be because I immediatly luanch into explaining what I need for him to do. But he always had that surprised look in his face but he is quick to recover though. Well if he doesn't say "hi" back, I'll just kid him about it that since he was always smiling at me, I've figured that I would be friendly and say "hi" and now that I did, I will now go on my way. And then I could pray that he'll tell me to stay and then he will be friendly in return. Do you think its too much to ask? What if he just stood there? I can still play it cool but I have to be very, very compose for me to pull it off. Maybe I'll just try smiling back and leave the actual verbal flirting for next month.

I need a flirt master. Someone to train me in the effective ways of flirting. ASAP.

I am a very, very silly girl.

Top ten stuffs I like!

To amuse myself, I've been listing all kinds of different top tens that I like and they are so fun to do. They can really make you think and know more about yourself.


Top Ten English Words that I Like
(I based my choices on the way they sound, their meaning and how they look)
1. soothing
2. live
3. summer
4. dream
5. subtle
6. always
7. imagine
8. free
9. magic
10. written


Top Ten Filipino Words that I Like
1. kita (the pronoun, this is actually my fav word in all languages)
2. sige
3. pag-ibig (this word can never be without emotion)
4. tula (this one evoke the image of leaves and the sound of wind, also cute guys with long hair)
5. bituin
6. tawa
7. minsan (it just seem romantic)
8. lola
9. awitin
10. mismo!


Top Ten Favorite Food
(food, drinks, anything digested)
1. chocolate cake
2. kaldereta
3. chocolate and strawberry syrup
4. Mommy's spaghetti
5. Coke (too bad i can only drink a glass of it a month)
6. jollijeep's pinoy bistek
7. cereals
8. milkshakes
9. double-dutch ice cream
10. ice-cold Milo


Places I want to go to and intend to go to
1. Batanes
2. Bicol (my kuya and I used to plan that we will go to bicol by train, well, the railroad is now closed and he is now married, soI guess the plan is off.)
3. Cebu
4. Vigan
5. Paris (for the lights and fountains!)
6. Russia
7. New York
8. Rome
9. Greece
10. Japan (for the cherry blossoms)


Top Ten Fictional guys I like
1. Mr. Darcy
2. Shrek
3. Jess in Gilmore Girls
4. Jim in the Office
5. Victor in Tondo man may Langit din ( I really like the line " Si Alma man may Victor din." And since then I've been wanting to say that.)
6. guy in Anastasia
7. Lukawa
8. Ewan in Moulin Rouge
9. Wa Zhe Lei
10 Dao Ming Su ( its so hard to choose between the two of them, I like those kind of problems)

Let's try to analyze this:
6 of them are not people person.
5 of them can be pretty bad-ass.
7 of them had been involved in fights.
2 of them are idealistic.
1 is a gentleman.
1 is an ogre.
3 of them are filthy rich.
2 of them live in filthy homes.
5 of them are sarcastic.
9 of them would do everything for the girl they love.
All of them are pretty intriguing, well atleast to me.


Ten Girls I wanna be
1. Keira Knightly (at 20 she got to kiss Johnny Depp and Mr. Darcy!)
2. Patricia Evangelista ( She's pretty gutsy, I mean she takes on the military in a smart-yet-naive-girl kind of way. I envy her feeling of invincibility yet I get worried when I don't see her column on sundays.)
3. Oprah (imagine having that much influence on people, and that much money, and a boyfriend that would totally let you adopt an extra puppy)
4. Gayle( imagine being Oprah's BFF, and she makes your wildest dream come true by making Josh Groban sing "When You Say You Love Me" to you in room full of yellow roses, and go all over america in search of the best cakes and hamburgers and be paid for it. I actually want to be Gayle more than Oprah)
5. Satine ( I want to sing a duet with Ewan McGregor)
6. Izzie Stevens ( I like her pretty disposition in life and she's really pretty)
7. Summer Roberts ( I like her life, there's enough to keep things interesting but the drama is happening just to the people around her. Her problems are only realistic ones. My life used to be like that, except I don't live in the O.C., rich or can pull off a bikini.
8. Halle Berry (she's really pretty)
9. Kit Kwe (it would be cool to have Angelo Suarez write lovely poems about you, only I'm not sure I also want others to read it)
10. Dollar Boy's Girl (Damn!)

Happy Farter's Day

NO, that is not a typo.


I haven't written in a while, which sucks because there's a lot I wanted to write about but can't find the oppurtunity because somebody have been hogging the pc making stupid mp3s. It finally happened, I am so not comfortable in my own home it can no longer be a place of creativity for me. That's why I have to seek refuge to my Lola's house and release everything in my system. And look it's working, my fingers are banging non-stop on this keyboard.

**********************************

Obviously, I have daddy issues. Serious daddy issues. So serious that I spent the last waking minutes of last night thinking of the most horrible ways to cut him off from my life. The calmness of my thoughts scare me. I have to remind myself that these are not proper princess thoughts and forced myself to think of happy thoughts (meaning dollar boy).

I've really had it. I'm done. This is what he said "I don't want to see you anymore." My friend said he probably doesn't mean it, he is after all drunk. But that's just it, he is so drunk he doesn't know what he is saying. For all we know, he really meant what he said only he doesn't say it on the rare times he is sober because, I don't know, good manners stop him. Also, he probably spend the day whining about me to his drinking buddies that it was the only thing he managed to tell us before he collapsed on his bed (where he didn't stay very long because he ended up on the floor anyway.)

He is actually complaining about me bumming around. He probably has a right if he isn't bumming around as well. Umm... let me see... why am I in this screwed up state of mind that I was so lost, I can no longer recognize my life? why? oh that's right! Half of the reasons are because of him! He is actually one of the hindrances why my life isn't moving forward. I am not making any excuse, I admit I am one of those hindrances but don't act all high and mighty when you are a low-life drunk.

I really hate him. The idea of not seeing him again is sort of nice. And I seriously doubt that I am going to regret saying that. I'm really done.

Look, its not that my father is the most horrible father there is. Lord knows, there's a lot of fathers who do unspeakable things to their children. But he also doesn't qualify as good. He is a bad father and a bad husband to my mom and a bad son to his own father and sometimes to his mother as well and bad person overall. You see as much a I like watching basketball, I hate watching a game with my dad. He just simply takes the fun out of it. He curses all the players in all they do in a loud booming voice. He insults the losing team with great delight as if he can do a tenth of what that team does. ( Hello! Between the spurs and the cavs, the spurs' talent and experience are really way, way better than the cavaliers. And its not like they didn't try its just that the spurs are overwhelmingly better than them. Beside, every cav player can kick my dad's ass with his eyes close so my dad shouldn't really insult them.)

It is funny to note that I was once a daddy's girl. Yep, I was daddy's little princess! I got away with a lot of things and had more priviledges. (These days, sometimes I still do but I cringe in the injustice of it all. Anyway, my siblings doesn't seem to mind.) Yea... but that was before I realized my father is a horrible person and I dreaded being daddy's little girl. I mean, is the reason he likes me better is because I am like him? Oh please no! Fortunately, my mom told me it is because I was a behaved goody-good little girl that's why he like me. I was silent as a lamb, never argue, never rebeled and just said 'yes'; pretty much like my mom during their early years. Ha! He only liked me because I don't have a mind of my own! Good thing I grew up!

Don't bother telling me he probably love me in his own way. I seriously doubt my dad's capacity to love or if he knows what it means. I have valid reasons to doubt it, but I think devulging it would be too much. Afterall, I'm not Ruffa Gutierrez. And don't get me started how mean he is Bhubhu, meaness that I have never experienced until last night. Meaness that had been there ever since bhubhu knew how to talk.

You know, it sucks that I am writing about him. It's not that I am gonna regret it but this blog is one of my happy places. I enjoy writing here and its a bummer it got desecrated by this. But I have to write this, I have to publish this. My father will get his wish of never seeing me again. Ok maybe not physically, because I don't have the means for that yet. But from now on, My father lost me.

Nothing really. You'll be wasting your time if you read this

I really don't know what I am going to write about I just really feel like writing. I can talk about the elections but I think I'm going to wait till after the results are complete. Anyway, the indelible ink isn't really that indelible. And so far I like what I'm seeing with the results. In Pampanga, a priest won over two very influential people. That is amazing. A real people power, I hope he won't dissapoint his people. But i'm still going to wait till the count is over before I talk about the elections. I just really want to type right now.

I can talk about Shrek, but I have to see it first and I don't like going to theaters during the first week of showing, there's too many over-excited kids.

I guess I just want to tire my hands.

ohh...I have to take back some of the stuffs I said. I reread the poems I wrote for delfin, and they didn't really suck. They need some work but they didn't suck. I realized that the first one was actually better than the other. The second is actually corny in the middle part. And he isn't that horrible. I mean, yes he was a jerk but he's not all that. I recently remembered some good memories, it wasn't so bad. It's not like I'm going soft...I guess I'm being okey with things. Finally. You see, its easy to hate him when he isn't around. I can't hate him if he is part of my world, I can't be that mean.

Well, my hands are still not tired. What else to talk about. My lola is coming home. Yey!

I have no idea what to do with dollar boy. I have to do something. Not something big but something significant. Figure that out. I really like him. I really want him. I cannot imagine losing him without ever having him. I can't let that happen.


Things are getting melodramatic. I guess its the hour or not. I have to stop. Growing up is calling, I have to heed it. I need to get out of this drama.

We're nearing the finishline, we better not trip.

I've always enjoy watching politics. I like watching history happen. I like being aware. So, I was pretty excited about this senatorial elections because its my first time to vote, that is until I realize the lack of truly qualified candidates. I mean, fine they are qualified according to the constitution and afterall this is "democracy" and supposedly anybody has a right to run, but really, for most of the candidates, I cannot vote for them without feeling guilty and ashamed. So here are the people I'm voting for and why I'm voting for them. I still don't have 12 candidates to vote for, so its gonna be tricky filling out all 12.

1. On top of my list is Chiz Escudero. He's brilliant. He is what a lawmaker should be. When he talks, he clearly knows what he is talking about and he express it well. He knows what he wants, and he have no qualms about it.The guy's got conviction and he hasn't changed sides since he got into politics. That is a major plus point considering we have a culture of butterflies in this country. Plus, he have this boyish charm so its impossible to hate him. the guy is dreamer, we need more of that. We have a future president here.
2. Joker Arroyo. He is not a politician, he is a lawmaker. He only cares about the issues and doesn't give the crap about the razzle dazzle of politics. He is a no-nonsense guy. I like him. Plus the silver hair rocks!
3. Mike Defensor. I just think it would be fun to watch him and Chiz in the senate. They guy is also super smart and you have to admire his loyalty. We need more of that. Plus, he is not a total asshole like Secretary Gonzales. I figured he isn't so bad. I may not always agree with his views but I am interested to hear it.
4. Sonia Roco. I've always admired Raul Roco. I tust his choice in women. So I guess i trust his wife too.
5. Ed Angara. He had been a senator since, well ever since I can remember; so I think he knows what he's doing. He had also authored a bunch of useful laws like the senior citizen's act. He did changed sides when he was snubed by the opposition even though he was one of the figureheads but, that's what Philippine politics is about. I mean, he isn't horrible. I just feel sad for the people who wants to be president but can't be president because they don't have the charms to be president. They have the smarts to be one but no charm. So I guess as a consolation let's just put them in the senate. Plus, his print ads are pretty helpful, kudos for that.
   

So there, so far I have five. I need seven more so this would be difficult.

I guess it wouldn't be too horrible to vote for Manny Villar and Kiko Pangilinan. Villar was impressive when he was the speaker of the house during the Estrada impeachment but I think his dream to be president is making him play it safe. I am voting for Pangilinan just because I have to vote 12 people. Well, its admirable that he ran independent despite the offers, but then again he doesn't really need the machinery because he's married to the top product endorser of the land. His wife is super rich and is well-loved by the whole country. I think he is pretty smart too, I just don't see anything special in him. Oh well. Hmm, it seems I'm voting for the Wednesday group of the senate, except for one. I don't like Ralph Recto. He authored the e-vat bill, but even before that I don't like him. I'll vote for his wife, I think his wife got more than him. But I'm not from Batangas so I couldn't vote for her.

There's no way I'm voting for the actors that are running for senate. Seriously. I think Cesar Montano is very talented. He is very effective as an actor, director and as a product endorser but as a senator? I don't think so. If he wants to help the country why can't he just support an NGO, I mean Aga Mulach is doing pretty good with his project on helping disabled people have a livelihood. You don't have to be a senator to help the country. He can help the country more by not running, I think he'll be bored and frustrated in the senate. I'll definitely not vote for Tito Sotto and Richard Gomez. I don't even like them as actors and why I should like them now. I just can't take Tito Sotto seriously, I just can't and Goma, well I just think he is a very muscular corny joke. I mean, he is running independent because nobody wants him. Then there's Victor Wood. Seriously people, who would vote for a has been?

Then there's the mutineers. I've known Gringo as Rambo, thats what he is to me. I just don't see myself voting for him. I don't like violent people. The same goes for Trillanes.

As for the rest of the ex-senator, Legarda is a maybe vote. I see her as just another politician who isn't horribly bad. As for Nikki Coseteng, I don't know. I think she's pretty but nothing more. I have to do research on her and then maybe. Tessie Aquino Oreta got some balls to run again after what she did. Its hard to respect her after dancing like that just to spite the public. The very public that put her into office just because of her brother's name. What is she, eight years old? Then there's John Osmeña. I don't like him. I think he's very dirty. Lastly, Ping Lacson. I'm scared of him, so I think I'll vote for him.

Then there are the congressmen wanting to be senators. I don't like Miguel Zubiri and I don't like the face of Prospero Pichay nor his slogan. Zubiri is pretty, rich boy who had always have it easy and he also got himself a trophy wife, how trapo can you get? Then there's Noynoy Aquino. It must be hard living under the shadow and name of your parents. Its hard when people call you "anak ng bayani." But Noynoy is far from his father. But I guess, its because Marcos ganged up to his parents thats why they became heroes and no one's ganging up to Noynoy. Must be the Harry Potter-Voldemort thing, the villain chose who would be the hero. So far, no villain is chosing Noynoy as the hero unless you count his sister's colorful, scandal-laden life. Do we give him a chance to be hero? Does he deserve to get what we owe to his father? Maybe.

As for Alan Cayetano and Koko Pimentel, can't they wait till their sister or father is out of the senate? Do their family have to be represented twice in the senate? Can't we just go through the old practice of family dynasties that family members inherits the position they are vacating? Do they now have to be in the office at the same time? I am sure they are brilliant young men and they are fitted to be senators but how about good manners? Koko Pimentel is complaining of the kind of leaders the country have been electing in the past. His father had always been a senator ever since I can remember. Is he suggesting there is soemthing wrong with his father's leadership? I think I will vote for Koko Pimentel if he had waited until his father is out of the senate. As for Alan Cayetano, you gotta admire his guts and stubborness but we all know he just wants to see the first gentleman out of Malacañang. He doesn't need to be in the senate to do that, he just need to feed FG large quantities of pork, beef and other oily, fatty food. Throw in large kegs of beer too, FG's heart will do the rest.

No way I am going to vote for Chavit. I wonder how can anyone trust him. The guy's got a devilish aura around him. As for Magsaysay, maybe. I've been to Zambales and its ok. I only saw one Jolibee outlet but I like the roads and I love the probinsya feel. So maybe.

As for Jamal Kiram III, who is he? He is a muslim. But who is he to the muslims? Does he really represent them? I think I'll vote for him just because he is a muslim. After all, if the Cayetano's and the Pimentel's get to have two senate seats representing their families, I think the muslim people deserve one.

And then there are the lesser known candidates. How can I vote them, I don't know them. even by researching on the internet doesn't make up for it. Zosimo Paredes stood out because he was the one who cried foul when DOJ transfered the young GI convicted of rape in the Subic rape case from his "jail cell"(its not really a jail cell, more like a small office) to the American Embassy. So maybe. I don't trust Oliver Lozano. And I don't like the way he talks. The others are virtually unknowns.

So there, I have 5 people I would surely vote for and 9 maybe's.

1. Escudero
2. Arroyo
3. Defensor
4. Roco
5. Angara
6. Villar*
7. Pangilinan*
8. Legarda*
9. Coseteng*
10. Lacson*
11. Aquino*
12. Magsaysay*
13. Kiram*
14. Paredes*
    

hmm... seeing them lined up like this makes me want to cross out some of the names already, but i'll still think about it. I know it's just one vote but I want to do this responsibility right. I am finally part of this country's decision making process I don't want to booch it for future's sake.

The Things I did Last Summer

Summer is half done. Well, atleast for the rest of the country. I, on the otherhand, seemed to have an extended sumjmer vacation since it didn't really felt that last year's summer ended. I just realized that, but I shouldn't have been surprise. I took a year off, ofcourse summer didn't end for me. But of course, it was also this time last year when my whole world... well, I'm not sure if collapsed is the rigth word but the image of those anime scenes where the ground starts breaking then swallowed by the waters keep popping in my head. So my life, or at least my state of mind, is like the aftermath scenes where you realize you're still alize and you are wandering through all the wreckage to see if anyone else is still alive. Hmm... so how was I last summer...


It actually started well. Ofcourse by "well" I meant I was successfully pretending that my parents drama wasn't affecting me, that I wasn't freaked out by the fact that my bosses in my part-time job were just a few years older than me yet they seem so much older because well, they already have their own families and yet they don't seem more mature or wiser than I am. Also, it was the first summer without delfin and well I was trying really hard not miss him and defending my choices concerning him.

I also hate men that summer. umm...hate is too big, I sort of don't care that they exist. Except for one, who was a shooting star and somehow brighten my gloomy night even for just a while. But I don't like him romantically, I like him holistically. He was really a nice person. But other than him, I really didn't care.

Then I started having this drama of my own which was cause well by my mom's drama. But my drama was short-lived because my Lolo died. From then on, everything just became weird.

I didn't feel like me. My life looks different from my life. I simply doesn't recognize it anymore. It was weird. It was full of sadness and grief which I am not used. I was a child brought up with a rose-colored glasses. I actually have a rose-colored glasses! Sadness and grief didn't seem alright for me and if that was adult life is all about, I thought post-poning growing up would be a good idea.

So I did. My classmates got their jobs which did not really fulfill them. They've got all this horror stories and my post-poning adulthood made sense. yea...

I also cried a lot that summer. I think I stopped crying around September or maybe November. But I clearly remember that boredom started creeping in around September. Boredom was personified in the form of Dollar boy. Yeah, around September, I started noticing Dollar Boy. I thought I was bored and I think he was also the only decent-looking guy who I see regularly...hmmm... I really thought I was just bored then, anyway that was also before he saw me. I also read a lot, watched a lot of tv, played on the computer a lot. But I really read a lot. I've read a lot of books this year way more than I've read the past years.

Well, things have improved now. I no longer care that this is the second summer... well, I really no longer care. I cry less, well, I just cry the regularly amount of crying. I also no longer hate men, I am in fact pretty fond of certain boy; and really, he is more than decent-looking. Wounds have healed, the ones that haven't no longer hurt that much. A lot of healing came from the books. I'd like to start growing up now, I just wish life has a big safety net so something will catch me if ever I fall.

Oh right, safety net are called friends and family. I have those. I just don't want to be a burden to anyone. I also don't want to look like I've been to hell and back.

You know, I actually don't since now I take care of myself and I'm now more comfortable wearing clothes I don't used to wear.

Last year summer was a mess, so was I. I want to clean everything up.

Ghost of Summet Past Dampens Dollar Boy Escapades

He flashed a really, really naughty smile.
I want that smile. I want to order myself a truckload of that smile to last me a lifetime. I'm suppose to write about how; if his smiles is a shirt on a window display, I will buy it. Immediately. Compulsively. In every size, in every color so that no else would have it. I melt everytime I think so his smile, I cover my face with a pillow because I'm grinning so big.


Then Delfin IMed me tonight. It isn't suppose to be a big deal until my head started spinning, my gut turning and I am in dire need of air, candy and a stable thing to hold on to. It isn't suppose to be a big deal, its ancient history for pete's sakes. It had been more than a year since we last talked. i just remembered that it is summer and he was my summer guy. Keyword : WAS.


Do I miss him? I'll tell you this. I dreamt of him last week. In my dream he is hanging around my house and I am fiercely fighting the urge to talk to him. I was actually biting my arm so that I couldn't speak. I woke up cursing.


He was a good buddy. We shared lots memorable conversations, atleast they are memorable to me. Booching flirting with Dollar boy always makes me remember how easy it was with Delfin.

But I'm still afraid of talking to him. I fear I'll freak out on him again. I fear I'll flirt with him again. I fear to continue the cycle that I ended a year and a half ago. He was one of the reasons I got depressed. It started with him, then things just got worse and worse until it had become to much. he was a small part of it but he was part of it. I'm just not sure if I'm ready yet.


But I guess there is really no way I'm going to be ready. It just upsets me.

This is suppose to be not a big deal. really.

Chronicles of Dollar Boy 3

An Aquariumed Affair

Watching you like a fish
in a glass bowl, I'm startled
to see you staring back
at me. (You see fishes
don't usually see pass
their contained ocean.)

I'm amused with our language of stares
of silence, of secrecy, of subtlety.

I'm torn knowing if i reach my hand
through your glass walls
it will shatter, water will spill.

You'll be a fish without a world.
I'll be drench with smelly water.

I love and hate the glass windows of romance.



I haven't written a poem in an year and 3 months. I was a member of Thomasian writer's guild, I used to be good then all the shitty things in life happened and I lost everything even my writing. Then ofcourse, here I am writing a poem for a guy I barely know. Writing my first poem for over a year, picking up a pen, scrounging for paper. I love the feeling of putting that last period. I wrote that poem at 2 'o clock in the morning, just like old times. Just like old times. I wrote it in one sitting, even the title. Titles are my weakest point. But this time, I like my title. The thing is this poem is better than the last two I wrote. they were for a guy, he was a jerk and the poems are worse than he was. I have to squeeze those poems out of me because I owe an editor some materials for the annual folio, plus I sort of want to feel "right" to end things with the jerky guy and sort of meant those poems to be.. I don't know I wasn't thinking right at that time. and I'm glad that time was over. Anyway, love poems are not really my thing. I usually write about what I see and not really good in writing what I feel. I like this poem, it isn't cheesy and I've read it over and over again and I haven't cringe a bit. Well I don't care, I like it. And I like using words like "affair" and "romance", it sounds very adult! I just felt really good to write again. I felt happy. Not fun, not kilig just happy.

I had a chance to speak with Mr. Dollar Boy again and I didn't booched it this time. I think I came across as a bitch but I don't think he noticed. I think he was suprised I was talking to him, at least he looked surprised. Actually, he looked more surprised after we talked than at the start. he must be wondering why I talked to him. The thing is, I asked him for a favor. It was some favor because he actually broke the law. There's this bank secrecy law, where they are not suppose to give out information about a bank account to other than the person who owns the account. I heard it being mentioned a lot on congressional hearings about politian's bank accounts. I asked him information about my lola's account, because my lola is asking me to. I have a made up authorization letter courtesy of photoshop but I didn't show it to him because I have decided I am enough to get the info I need from him. I felt guilty about "using" him but I want find out if I can make him do things the other tellers won't do for me. And believe me, the other tellers won't do that for me, I've tried. Another thing, he isn't even in-charge of the checking accounts. He is in-charge of the foreign deposits and special accounts, so I guess I now fall into the special accounts. :P

I forgot to flirt though, again. Even when I said thank you, I was only semi-smiling but I'm pretty sure when I asked for help, I was smiling that time. I think he said something that was flirty but i"m not really sure if I heard him so I just replied a very,very profound "what?". Argh! there was a thousand voices screaming in my head and his voice was really soft at that time. Wait, I think he said something not flirty in a really flirty way, I think thats it. Well, I think the fact that I can now actually speak when I'm speaking to him is a big improvement form the last time.

I now know why I'm this crazy about him. At the moment when I fell in like with him, he looked at me intensely with really kind and gentle eyes. They were just really, really kind. You know, like the way Mama Mary statues look at you. It's not like nobody looked at me that way before, I didn't notice things like that, it's just that; that was the kind of look I needed at that time. I think I was so shy with him because I thought he saw right through with that look but now I don't think he did. He couldn't have. He just have really beautiful, kind and gentle eyes. hehehee

Chronicles of Dollar Boy 2

When I first thought of Chronicles of dollar boy; I envisioned it under "kilig". However, circumstances forced me to place the first entry under "Ye booched it" because I did booched it and now, I'm whining because there is a lot to whine about.

First of all, the flirty stares are still going on but is that all he can do? Well, now he is also flashing his incredible smile but, seriously, he needs to be more proactive than that so things can progress. There is just no way that I am going to talk to him if I dont have a valid reason. Sigh, I dont think he will ever talk to me if I dont talk to him first. So maybe its in my best interest to just forget about him.

There is no way I will forget about him. You see; not only that I think he is uberly cute, I booched while talking to him and I cannot live with that. I need to leave him a better impression. An impression that says "he-is-the-luckiest-mortal-on-earth-because-I-am-talking-to-him." I booched infront of him and I don't booch infront of guys I like so he now became a challenge of sorts for me. I just need one very decent, very flirty conversation. After that, I think i can move on.

Actually I had an oppurtunity to talk to him. I had a very,very valid reason to talk to him and a very, very good opening lines. I have to inquire about my Lola's current account and I know they are only allowed to give details of the accounts to their clients unless you have an authorization letter, so I need someone that cannot say "no" to me to make my life easier. I want to assume he cannot say "no" to me. I mean, he's a guy and I'm a girl; and whenever he sees me, I make it a point that I'm a very, very pretty girl. But then, as my luck would have it, he wasn't there.

HE'S NOT FREAKING THERE!

I was wearing a freaking sleeveless. I rarely wear sleeveless. Every guy I passed by was checking out, then the person to whom it is all for wasn't there? Unbelievable!

Maybe he was having his lunch or maybe, maybe he's in an operating room bargaining with death!

I memorized what I am going to say. I don't memorize even with school reports because i always know what to say and then it was all for nothing. That sucks.

So, I didn't got what I want and didn't even accomplish what my Lola wants me to do. Bad day. really bad day.

arrrghhhhhh

I really, really looked nice.

What do I have to do? The more things are not going my way, the more I am gonna be obsessed with him. That is not good.

I so hate him right now.

Holidays are helldays

This is suppose to be a christmas entry but I didn't have time and dollar boy was a more pressing issue so I had to write about him first. Another thing, I am not entirely sure if this entry is non-fiction or logical for that matter

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I love christmas and I am not a christmas grinch. Atleast, that is what I tell myself everytime christmas season comes around. Actually, I really do love christmas. I like the idea of everyone recieving and giving gifts. I love the idea of a Santa Clause. I love it that everyone deserves a gift because it is Jesus' birthday. I love christmas shopping. I love noche buena. I definitely love christmas trees and christmas lights. On the other hand, it seems that christmas doesn't like me. Bad christmas memories outwieghs the happy ones. In fact, I can only remember two happy ones. When i was about five years old and Santa gave me my secret christmas wish which is a parrot stuff toy. I swear, I didn't tell anyone that I like it and from then on I believed in Santa Clause, it odesn't matter if he doesn't come down from a chimmey or wears a red suit. Another happy christmas was the christmas of 2003, barely a month after my operation, I am just happy and thankful that I am celebrating christmas. I've already had 21 christmasses and just having two good ones isn't well, good. Anyway, this is how my last holidays went.

Going through the holidays grocery and gift shoppings had been exhilarating. Preparing the noche buena while watching Star Wars marathon well, lets just say I like cheese and my mom's spaghetti is the best ever. Choosing my christmas outfit was, well a blast; from my diva-like red blouse, to my stunning white pants, to my happy green shoes, to the red ribbon I put on my ponytail, I embodied christmas. So far so good right?

Then came christmas day.

Somehow, there are a lot of things to do and I am the only one who can do it. Everyone else is having a holiday except me. A green salad for other people I don't know and probably don't like. A macaroni salad which somehow isn't as good as my mom's. More gifts to wrap. Dirty dishes to wash. The table's a mess. The floor's a mess. I have no time to take a bath, I feel bad and I probably smell bad too. A godchild is knocking on the door, I don't want her to think my christmas best is an old school t-shirt, shorts and a messy hair. Next thing I know, I laying on my parents' bed; face down, tears making their way out my eyes, desperately thinking of Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. I just want to be in a happier place at that time. Then my dad asked me if I'm crying because I've heard of the news. News? What news? Am I suppose to hear a news that is suppose to make me cry? Wow. Last year's christmas when I was crying on christmas day because of a guy seemed really good right now.

The news is actually christmass-y, a teenage girl pregnant. Somehow, I didn't hear the angels sing hallelujah.

Fast forward to new year's day. Guess where I found myself just hours after fireworks ushered the new year in. It was almost surreal, but there I was, at the skyway, sitting on its pavement, throwing up. I was not drunk, my father is and he was the one driving. What happened was, the car hit something jusr before we enter the skyway and my head hit the car. I know I was hurt and I also know I no longer want to ride in the car. So, when I got my now angry drunk-driving dad to stop, I got out and threw-up. I threw-up because of hyper-acidity in my stomach, which I think was caused by fear, panic and something in the carbonara I had. My hands were shaking so hard, I've never thought hands can shake that much. I can barely see them moving but they are shaking like a ringing cellphone in silent mode. There was nothing left for me to throw-up, so my dad is begging me to get back to the car which I wouldn't do, so he threathened to jump off the sky way. By that time, I started questioning the reality of everything. Anyway, skyway patrol finally got to us and that was when I noticed my sister resting her head on the railings of skyway. I leaned my head too, after all not everyone can claim they rested their head on the railings of skyway.

Riding at the back of the service van of the skyway patrol, we passed by a billboard of a rock royalty. It made me remember that I used to have normal life. I missed that. At that time, my life seemed to be a telenovela that I wouldn't even watch, worst of all, I don't have control over the creative content.

Chronicles of Dollar boy

Here in Chronicles of Dollar boy, I will feature my adventures concerning Dollar boy. You see, Dollar boy is quite special since he is the first guy I like after i stopped hating men and the whole world all together. So, I just have to write about him. Anyway, normally this should be under the kilig section but due to what i have to tell you; i will place it under YE BOOCHED IT. Ye booch it is from Puzzle Pirates (great game, check it out!) whejn the navigator, well booched navigating. Booch means doing way worse than poor. Its the same with screwing or messing things up. Booching means failing. now, that we are done with the definition of terms, we now move on to my really, really pathetic story.

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Santa is such a sweetie, he decided to put may lovelife in a less pragmatic mode! Lola asked me to tranfer funds from her dollar account to her current account and what does that mean? The one thing that I am ernestly hoping for: a transaction with dollar boy. You see, dollar boy is a bank teller in my lola's bank and for the past 6 months, I think I've visited that bank at the minimum of once a week. Since I am in a hermit mode them, mostly they are the only people I ame in contact with aside ofcourse from the SSS Manila people, which we also frequent. He is tall and have a really, really intoxicating pair of eyes. I also know his real name, but I am not gonna use because "Dollar boy" is just more dreamy than his real name.

Anyway, since I've been dreaming about this transaction for so long I put extra effort in looking perfect. I even wear my hair like I did when Japs saw me. I even tagged my sister along for moral support, besides I need her opinion on Dollar boy. So, things are going smoothly; I look good, I sound good, my mind is not failing me and I am offering everyone a smile. I am a creature unlike any other! Since I first have to transact with the savings account person, I have time to spare. That was when things go wrong.

My nerves are getting to me, so I try to distract myself by talking to Bhubhu, by laughing with Bhubhu and by pestering Bhubhu. I also try to calm myself, repeating my mantra " I am a princess. I am a princess. I am princess." But as I was walking over to him, he turned and looked directly at me. I froze, he was surprised but he immediately got over it. So, I continued walking towards him (didn't think 2 feet would take so much time to cover). I placed the two forms in fromt of him and tried to remember what I must ask him to do. He had actually scan the two forms before I formed what I have to say. He must think I'm a pea brain. I really don't like myself right now. But then again, he saw my UST id, so I can't be a total pea brain. Another bad thing my id picture isn't bad but it also doesn't say GODDESS! Furthermore, my ID states my real name and my real name is always an excuse for guys to flirt with me but he didn't flirt with me. If he did, I might have remembered to flirt with him. I really cannot believe myself.

You know, I think he enjoyed watching me suffer because he was smiling and after i took my seat to wait for him to process my transaction, he was giggling. And, my sister does not also like him (though she doesn't know I like him) because he was too giggly. On the positive side, he called my last name instead of my lola's last name so I guess he cares enough to took notice of me unlike the other teller who didn't (anyway, the other teller is gay) But that was the only positive thing, would you believe I even forgot to get Lola's bankbook from him. I totally suck.

and i need a major, major second chance.

Help!Bheng!what should I do? Because I booched this, I now realize, I really like him. Well, atleast for now...