The Things I did Last Summer

Summer is half done. Well, atleast for the rest of the country. I, on the otherhand, seemed to have an extended sumjmer vacation since it didn't really felt that last year's summer ended. I just realized that, but I shouldn't have been surprise. I took a year off, ofcourse summer didn't end for me. But of course, it was also this time last year when my whole world... well, I'm not sure if collapsed is the rigth word but the image of those anime scenes where the ground starts breaking then swallowed by the waters keep popping in my head. So my life, or at least my state of mind, is like the aftermath scenes where you realize you're still alize and you are wandering through all the wreckage to see if anyone else is still alive. Hmm... so how was I last summer...


It actually started well. Ofcourse by "well" I meant I was successfully pretending that my parents drama wasn't affecting me, that I wasn't freaked out by the fact that my bosses in my part-time job were just a few years older than me yet they seem so much older because well, they already have their own families and yet they don't seem more mature or wiser than I am. Also, it was the first summer without delfin and well I was trying really hard not miss him and defending my choices concerning him.

I also hate men that summer. umm...hate is too big, I sort of don't care that they exist. Except for one, who was a shooting star and somehow brighten my gloomy night even for just a while. But I don't like him romantically, I like him holistically. He was really a nice person. But other than him, I really didn't care.

Then I started having this drama of my own which was cause well by my mom's drama. But my drama was short-lived because my Lolo died. From then on, everything just became weird.

I didn't feel like me. My life looks different from my life. I simply doesn't recognize it anymore. It was weird. It was full of sadness and grief which I am not used. I was a child brought up with a rose-colored glasses. I actually have a rose-colored glasses! Sadness and grief didn't seem alright for me and if that was adult life is all about, I thought post-poning growing up would be a good idea.

So I did. My classmates got their jobs which did not really fulfill them. They've got all this horror stories and my post-poning adulthood made sense. yea...

I also cried a lot that summer. I think I stopped crying around September or maybe November. But I clearly remember that boredom started creeping in around September. Boredom was personified in the form of Dollar boy. Yeah, around September, I started noticing Dollar Boy. I thought I was bored and I think he was also the only decent-looking guy who I see regularly...hmmm... I really thought I was just bored then, anyway that was also before he saw me. I also read a lot, watched a lot of tv, played on the computer a lot. But I really read a lot. I've read a lot of books this year way more than I've read the past years.

Well, things have improved now. I no longer care that this is the second summer... well, I really no longer care. I cry less, well, I just cry the regularly amount of crying. I also no longer hate men, I am in fact pretty fond of certain boy; and really, he is more than decent-looking. Wounds have healed, the ones that haven't no longer hurt that much. A lot of healing came from the books. I'd like to start growing up now, I just wish life has a big safety net so something will catch me if ever I fall.

Oh right, safety net are called friends and family. I have those. I just don't want to be a burden to anyone. I also don't want to look like I've been to hell and back.

You know, I actually don't since now I take care of myself and I'm now more comfortable wearing clothes I don't used to wear.

Last year summer was a mess, so was I. I want to clean everything up.

Ghost of Summet Past Dampens Dollar Boy Escapades

He flashed a really, really naughty smile.
I want that smile. I want to order myself a truckload of that smile to last me a lifetime. I'm suppose to write about how; if his smiles is a shirt on a window display, I will buy it. Immediately. Compulsively. In every size, in every color so that no else would have it. I melt everytime I think so his smile, I cover my face with a pillow because I'm grinning so big.


Then Delfin IMed me tonight. It isn't suppose to be a big deal until my head started spinning, my gut turning and I am in dire need of air, candy and a stable thing to hold on to. It isn't suppose to be a big deal, its ancient history for pete's sakes. It had been more than a year since we last talked. i just remembered that it is summer and he was my summer guy. Keyword : WAS.


Do I miss him? I'll tell you this. I dreamt of him last week. In my dream he is hanging around my house and I am fiercely fighting the urge to talk to him. I was actually biting my arm so that I couldn't speak. I woke up cursing.


He was a good buddy. We shared lots memorable conversations, atleast they are memorable to me. Booching flirting with Dollar boy always makes me remember how easy it was with Delfin.

But I'm still afraid of talking to him. I fear I'll freak out on him again. I fear I'll flirt with him again. I fear to continue the cycle that I ended a year and a half ago. He was one of the reasons I got depressed. It started with him, then things just got worse and worse until it had become to much. he was a small part of it but he was part of it. I'm just not sure if I'm ready yet.


But I guess there is really no way I'm going to be ready. It just upsets me.

This is suppose to be not a big deal. really.