Here is why:
You got me stuck onto you even if I don't want to.
You smoke, you will be the death of me.
You make me worry.
You got me to write a poem when I am not suppose to.
(I am so waking up on January 2)
That Awesome Moment When..
Who would have thought
that the silence
between us is the best way
to communicate.
It was a long jeepney ride
no doubt. But no one guessed
how interesting it would be.
Rush hour
was oblivious to the start
of the game we play. Of not
seeing while fully knowing.
Not acknowledging while fully
feeling. It turned into a sport
where we compete how best
we can pretend that each other
don't exist.
How surprising the world
of secret smiles is. Indeed,
it became a world where others
exist with their loud laughter
and hidden innuendo. Where
we may sit at opposite ends
of the table and not share
a word to each other. not
seeming to share a world
at all. But when others
become preoccupied and our
eyes meet, that knowing smile.
that playful arched eyebrow.
the world is ours and the others
are but shadows.
How surprising everything is
... the awkwardness that persist
between our pressing thighs
gave way to the comfort we hold
in our interlocking hands.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Generation Have-It-All
A drama-free family life. A job that doesn't feel like a job and also pays good bucks.A funny, smart and loyal boyfriend who I'm crazy about. Bonus points if he is hot. To see the world but still feel deeply rooted at home. To eat mouth-watering dishes but never get fat. To be rich naturally, but not one of those stuck-up rich brats. Of course we would want to give back. We are dream of doing it all and we believe we can have it all. This is the destiny of our generation and anyone who doubts that we can make this happen is just really old.
Well, at least that is what we think until we start to doubt it ourselves too.
We just don't get why it is hard and takes so long for our dreams to come true. We know it was not going to be easy, but we did not know it would be this hard. We are aware that we whine a lot. In our blogs, in Twitter, in our Facebook status. We know its irritating. But we can't help it, we were promised that the only thing that can stop us from making our dreams come true is us. Yet here we are disheartened because there are some things that we just cannot control like laws of physics, time, our government, our parents. There is a lot of things we want to do but we cannot be in two places at the same time and we always feel like we are running out of time. Every day our ideals are challenged, every day there is a proof that what we have known as truth is actually grey at best. We are confused most of the time. We try so hard to keep on focusing on our goal but sometimes that goal is just so blinding that we have to look away. Then sometimes we forget to look back.
We were just kids when the instant noodles become integrated into the Filipino's dinner table. We grew up thinking that you can have a delicious comfort food in just three minutes. Patience is perhaps not one of our virtues. We always think that perhaps there is a faster way to do things so when reality proves us wrong, we have hard time accepting it. It's just hard to think that there is anything impossible at this day and age. Most especially, its unthinkable for our dreams not to be possible.
So what do we do when it gets hard? We either take a break then go for it stronger or give-up on it before it gives up on us.
So much for having-it-all, instead we put our life on hold and enter a quarter-life crisis.
During this time the world is very scary for us. We have seen a lot, we have read a lot so we know that a lot of fucked-up things can happen. Worse, we do not have a restart button just like the video games we grow up with. We feel trapped. There seems to be nowhere we can go and if ever there is, we do not feel that we are good enough for it, that we are good enough for anything. Totally playing the failure part.
Fortunately this crisis ends. Even though it does not have a uniform timeline some got out of in a month others take years, the important thing is that it ends.
Once we got out of that dark hole, that's when we realize the true meaning of having it all. So believe again, but this time we are packing up some patience that just enjoy the ride.
Well, at least that is what we think until we start to doubt it ourselves too.
We just don't get why it is hard and takes so long for our dreams to come true. We know it was not going to be easy, but we did not know it would be this hard. We are aware that we whine a lot. In our blogs, in Twitter, in our Facebook status. We know its irritating. But we can't help it, we were promised that the only thing that can stop us from making our dreams come true is us. Yet here we are disheartened because there are some things that we just cannot control like laws of physics, time, our government, our parents. There is a lot of things we want to do but we cannot be in two places at the same time and we always feel like we are running out of time. Every day our ideals are challenged, every day there is a proof that what we have known as truth is actually grey at best. We are confused most of the time. We try so hard to keep on focusing on our goal but sometimes that goal is just so blinding that we have to look away. Then sometimes we forget to look back.
We were just kids when the instant noodles become integrated into the Filipino's dinner table. We grew up thinking that you can have a delicious comfort food in just three minutes. Patience is perhaps not one of our virtues. We always think that perhaps there is a faster way to do things so when reality proves us wrong, we have hard time accepting it. It's just hard to think that there is anything impossible at this day and age. Most especially, its unthinkable for our dreams not to be possible.
So what do we do when it gets hard? We either take a break then go for it stronger or give-up on it before it gives up on us.
So much for having-it-all, instead we put our life on hold and enter a quarter-life crisis.
During this time the world is very scary for us. We have seen a lot, we have read a lot so we know that a lot of fucked-up things can happen. Worse, we do not have a restart button just like the video games we grow up with. We feel trapped. There seems to be nowhere we can go and if ever there is, we do not feel that we are good enough for it, that we are good enough for anything. Totally playing the failure part.
Fortunately this crisis ends. Even though it does not have a uniform timeline some got out of in a month others take years, the important thing is that it ends.
Once we got out of that dark hole, that's when we realize the true meaning of having it all. So believe again, but this time we are packing up some patience that just enjoy the ride.
Friday, July 15, 2011
It's Friday and office is so quiet
Rush Hour
By 5:30 my thoughts start rushing towards you. Like school kids at the sound of the bell, they flew past the door at the speed of light. They join the throng of over-worked, under-paid employees. All of them are just thankful that the day is over. There is food on the table. There is a bed waiting at home. Tomorrow, we will do this all over again. But my thoughts are sparkles of light amongst the mob. Always hopeful. Always dreaming.They don't mind the congested roads of Makati or the muddy streets of Pasay. They don't care about the traffic or the rising fare. They don't see the kid carrying another kid giving people envelopes as if the coins they get can save them from the wrath of an abusive, alcoholic father. All of that are not real. All of that are forgotten.
As soon as my thoughts nestled on the curve of your shoulders and neck, all the grisly stuff is just a dream.
By 5:30 my thoughts start rushing towards you. Like school kids at the sound of the bell, they flew past the door at the speed of light. They join the throng of over-worked, under-paid employees. All of them are just thankful that the day is over. There is food on the table. There is a bed waiting at home. Tomorrow, we will do this all over again. But my thoughts are sparkles of light amongst the mob. Always hopeful. Always dreaming.They don't mind the congested roads of Makati or the muddy streets of Pasay. They don't care about the traffic or the rising fare. They don't see the kid carrying another kid giving people envelopes as if the coins they get can save them from the wrath of an abusive, alcoholic father. All of that are not real. All of that are forgotten.
As soon as my thoughts nestled on the curve of your shoulders and neck, all the grisly stuff is just a dream.
Friday, July 01, 2011
Because I Can't Always Worry About Keywords
When it dawned on me that I am going to manage three blogs with each set of keywords and intersecting keywords, I realised I also have to write regularly on this blog.
I want to find my writing style. Or develop one. I don't know my style yet but I know what I want it to be. I want it to be easy to read, engaging, funny, sometimes sarcastic, honest, thoughtful without being too serious.
I want my readers to feel like they are just reading a note by a friend, who maybe has her quirks, sometimes bordering flat out weird but still amusing on her own little way. And since I am writing about my life, I may appear neurotic sometimes but that's exactly why I have this blog. So i can have a different perspective on how I am living my life.
Now that my depression is over,I thought of making a new blog or erasing all the previews entries just like I did years ago, but I can't bear to do that. I owe so much to this blog that let have an outlet, kept me sane and sometimes let me pretend that I have a life these past four years. Though some of these entries make me blush, I am keeping them here. They are history but they are my history.
So, happy reading.
I want to find my writing style. Or develop one. I don't know my style yet but I know what I want it to be. I want it to be easy to read, engaging, funny, sometimes sarcastic, honest, thoughtful without being too serious.
I want my readers to feel like they are just reading a note by a friend, who maybe has her quirks, sometimes bordering flat out weird but still amusing on her own little way. And since I am writing about my life, I may appear neurotic sometimes but that's exactly why I have this blog. So i can have a different perspective on how I am living my life.
Now that my depression is over,I thought of making a new blog or erasing all the previews entries just like I did years ago, but I can't bear to do that. I owe so much to this blog that let have an outlet, kept me sane and sometimes let me pretend that I have a life these past four years. Though some of these entries make me blush, I am keeping them here. They are history but they are my history.
So, happy reading.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Another Grown-up Step: Letting Go
So I did something significant last Friday the 13th.I removed you from my news feed.Deleting you from my friends seemed a bit bitter and not really necessary.
Walking on my way to work, I just thought it is time. I no longer need to be updated about you. I no longer feel the thirst to torment myself with pictures of your life that I'm no longer a part of. This is actually way overdue, but I think I am finally on the last stages of letting you go. About freaking time.
I have to confess, it is partly I dread seeing an update that you are engaged. With all that is happening with your life, I get the feeling that you are growing up and that just might be the next unbelievable thing that you will do. You're not really the marrying type, at least I didn't think you were. What do I know, they are so many things you did that I did not really expect from you. Did I knew you at all? I'm scared to answer that.
I guess that was all there is. It was college. It was over. We are over. It was just me who was so stubborn channelling Peter Pan. Anyway, it was really nice knowing you. (Atleast, the version of you that I know. I feel a little cheated, the parts you did not show me seem wonderful too.)
You are my first regret. It was so hard to stomached that I failed at something and the result is I missed out on you. I know everything has a reason and things, well most of the things turn out for the better but I still regret losing you as a friend. Because that's what you are first and foremost. My friend.
Still, it is time to let go. Anyway, with all the technology in the world there is a way to get back when there is a reason to get back. We are not burning bridges here (I made that mistake 5 years ago, no longer doing that.) just unclasping a closed fist.
Maybe someday, there will be a better "us" someday.
Just one last hang-up, I really don't like your girlfriend. I don't get how you can love someone whose favourite movie is "Babe"!
Sorry, I just have to say it... shutting up about that now.
I wish you'll be very happy. I really mean it. You know what, I think you are and I don't think you need someone you knew in college wishing you otherwise. You seem so discontented back then, its really nice to see you happy. Really.
Walking on my way to work, I just thought it is time. I no longer need to be updated about you. I no longer feel the thirst to torment myself with pictures of your life that I'm no longer a part of. This is actually way overdue, but I think I am finally on the last stages of letting you go. About freaking time.
I have to confess, it is partly I dread seeing an update that you are engaged. With all that is happening with your life, I get the feeling that you are growing up and that just might be the next unbelievable thing that you will do. You're not really the marrying type, at least I didn't think you were. What do I know, they are so many things you did that I did not really expect from you. Did I knew you at all? I'm scared to answer that.
I guess that was all there is. It was college. It was over. We are over. It was just me who was so stubborn channelling Peter Pan. Anyway, it was really nice knowing you. (Atleast, the version of you that I know. I feel a little cheated, the parts you did not show me seem wonderful too.)
You are my first regret. It was so hard to stomached that I failed at something and the result is I missed out on you. I know everything has a reason and things, well most of the things turn out for the better but I still regret losing you as a friend. Because that's what you are first and foremost. My friend.
Still, it is time to let go. Anyway, with all the technology in the world there is a way to get back when there is a reason to get back. We are not burning bridges here (I made that mistake 5 years ago, no longer doing that.) just unclasping a closed fist.
Maybe someday, there will be a better "us" someday.
Just one last hang-up, I really don't like your girlfriend. I don't get how you can love someone whose favourite movie is "Babe"!
Sorry, I just have to say it... shutting up about that now.
I wish you'll be very happy. I really mean it. You know what, I think you are and I don't think you need someone you knew in college wishing you otherwise. You seem so discontented back then, its really nice to see you happy. Really.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Today is the day I cease being a Jane Austen character
No longer trapped in the tallest tower.
I have resigned my position as a lady's companion to my Lola and have embarked on my career as a writer. Yep, I'm getting paid to write now.
Things actually came so sudden as only things you have been waiting for five years can happen so suddenly. The things is, the process only happened in days. On Saturday, I found out that my interview is on Monday. On Tuesday, I signed a contract. Then Wednesday, well Wednesday is now.
I have a real job. Like adults are supposed to have one.
When people ask me what I do, I now have a concrete answer to give. More importantly, when people ask my parents what I do, they now have an answer. An answer they can say out load. I can now be, once again, included during the how's the family part of their social conversations. I am really happy, a lot of people are really happy that I think their collective happiness far surpass my own. I know that my father told more people about my news than I did; and two of the people I have told only learned about it because they asked where I was and I am not really good at lying. (Had it been the point of my passive-aggressive rebellion to deprive them of such happiness?)
No matter, I am happy. Very much so and I expressed it the way i always express great happiness: silently, perhaps with a single moment of outburst then nothing more. I like keeping the happiness within me, only letting out bit by bit.
These are the reasons why I am happy:
No more going to places I don't want to go. No more non-enjoyable wasting time. No more waking up and not knowing what to do. No more going to sleep because there is nothing else to do. I now own my life.No more people taking my time for granted. No more brain-killing, impossible boring situations. No more bone-chilling impossibly dreadful situations. No more being privy to information I don't want to about. No more sticky situations where I have to divulge what I know.No more extra time to think about how miserable things are.
I never realized how time-consuming a job is but I am most excited about the challenge of finding a life beyond all of these. ( I did not become a student of life for almost five years to not know that job is unequal to life. I learned as much as that.)
Life beyond all these. The idea sounds so wonderful. After escaping from life after all these years, it seems impossible that I can actually have a life that I want. Give or take a few hings to keep it real.
The past four years had been an expedition into the unknown while ironically never leaving my comfort zone. It is in equal parts miserable, exhilarating, confusing, eye-opening, crazy and boring. Am I sorry it happened? No. But I am sorry that it went on far longer than it should. The decision was not a mistake. The mistake lies in not discerning the situation that brought such decision. And hey, I'm proud of my battle scars. There are a lot of things I wouldn't have known if not for this. About myself, about other people, about life. Success stories always say trust your instinct, listen to your gut, live your own life; that was what I did. Did it brought me success, I only know that it did not brought me failure. And it also brought me things I am so blessed to have.
That being said, allow me to publicly express my gratitude:
To my family: for being so complex, a novel could be written about you. And mostly for being patient and not kicking me out.
To my friends: there are about five of you, I am so amazed that I call you as such.
To the mountains: for teaching me how to breathe and for giving me a new perspective.
To the books, tv, internet and music: for keeping me company and not letting my mind rot.
To writing, shopping, walking and cooking: for being such good therapists.
To DB: I tried to pick just one reason but I couldn't so I settled for two; for igniting my imagination like no one else ever had and for having such a smile that made every miserable thing bearable. Not knowing you exist would have been the most unfortunate thing.
I have resigned my position as a lady's companion to my Lola and have embarked on my career as a writer. Yep, I'm getting paid to write now.
Things actually came so sudden as only things you have been waiting for five years can happen so suddenly. The things is, the process only happened in days. On Saturday, I found out that my interview is on Monday. On Tuesday, I signed a contract. Then Wednesday, well Wednesday is now.
I have a real job. Like adults are supposed to have one.
When people ask me what I do, I now have a concrete answer to give. More importantly, when people ask my parents what I do, they now have an answer. An answer they can say out load. I can now be, once again, included during the how's the family part of their social conversations. I am really happy, a lot of people are really happy that I think their collective happiness far surpass my own. I know that my father told more people about my news than I did; and two of the people I have told only learned about it because they asked where I was and I am not really good at lying. (Had it been the point of my passive-aggressive rebellion to deprive them of such happiness?)
No matter, I am happy. Very much so and I expressed it the way i always express great happiness: silently, perhaps with a single moment of outburst then nothing more. I like keeping the happiness within me, only letting out bit by bit.
These are the reasons why I am happy:
No more going to places I don't want to go. No more non-enjoyable wasting time. No more waking up and not knowing what to do. No more going to sleep because there is nothing else to do. I now own my life.No more people taking my time for granted. No more brain-killing, impossible boring situations. No more bone-chilling impossibly dreadful situations. No more being privy to information I don't want to about. No more sticky situations where I have to divulge what I know.No more extra time to think about how miserable things are.
I never realized how time-consuming a job is but I am most excited about the challenge of finding a life beyond all of these. ( I did not become a student of life for almost five years to not know that job is unequal to life. I learned as much as that.)
Life beyond all these. The idea sounds so wonderful. After escaping from life after all these years, it seems impossible that I can actually have a life that I want. Give or take a few hings to keep it real.
The past four years had been an expedition into the unknown while ironically never leaving my comfort zone. It is in equal parts miserable, exhilarating, confusing, eye-opening, crazy and boring. Am I sorry it happened? No. But I am sorry that it went on far longer than it should. The decision was not a mistake. The mistake lies in not discerning the situation that brought such decision. And hey, I'm proud of my battle scars. There are a lot of things I wouldn't have known if not for this. About myself, about other people, about life. Success stories always say trust your instinct, listen to your gut, live your own life; that was what I did. Did it brought me success, I only know that it did not brought me failure. And it also brought me things I am so blessed to have.
That being said, allow me to publicly express my gratitude:
To my family: for being so complex, a novel could be written about you. And mostly for being patient and not kicking me out.
To my friends: there are about five of you, I am so amazed that I call you as such.
To the mountains: for teaching me how to breathe and for giving me a new perspective.
To the books, tv, internet and music: for keeping me company and not letting my mind rot.
To writing, shopping, walking and cooking: for being such good therapists.
To DB: I tried to pick just one reason but I couldn't so I settled for two; for igniting my imagination like no one else ever had and for having such a smile that made every miserable thing bearable. Not knowing you exist would have been the most unfortunate thing.