I haven't written in a while, which sucks because there's a lot I wanted to write about but can't find the oppurtunity because somebody have been hogging the pc making stupid mp3s. It finally happened, I am so not comfortable in my own home it can no longer be a place of creativity for me. That's why I have to seek refuge to my Lola's house and release everything in my system. And look it's working, my fingers are banging non-stop on this keyboard.
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Obviously, I have daddy issues. Serious daddy issues. So serious that I spent the last waking minutes of last night thinking of the most horrible ways to cut him off from my life. The calmness of my thoughts scare me. I have to remind myself that these are not proper princess thoughts and forced myself to think of happy thoughts (meaning dollar boy).
I've really had it. I'm done. This is what he said "I don't want to see you anymore." My friend said he probably doesn't mean it, he is after all drunk. But that's just it, he is so drunk he doesn't know what he is saying. For all we know, he really meant what he said only he doesn't say it on the rare times he is sober because, I don't know, good manners stop him. Also, he probably spend the day whining about me to his drinking buddies that it was the only thing he managed to tell us before he collapsed on his bed (where he didn't stay very long because he ended up on the floor anyway.)
He is actually complaining about me bumming around. He probably has a right if he isn't bumming around as well. Umm... let me see... why am I in this screwed up state of mind that I was so lost, I can no longer recognize my life? why? oh that's right! Half of the reasons are because of him! He is actually one of the hindrances why my life isn't moving forward. I am not making any excuse, I admit I am one of those hindrances but don't act all high and mighty when you are a low-life drunk.
I really hate him. The idea of not seeing him again is sort of nice. And I seriously doubt that I am going to regret saying that. I'm really done.
Look, its not that my father is the most horrible father there is. Lord knows, there's a lot of fathers who do unspeakable things to their children. But he also doesn't qualify as good. He is a bad father and a bad husband to my mom and a bad son to his own father and sometimes to his mother as well and bad person overall. You see as much a I like watching basketball, I hate watching a game with my dad. He just simply takes the fun out of it. He curses all the players in all they do in a loud booming voice. He insults the losing team with great delight as if he can do a tenth of what that team does. ( Hello! Between the spurs and the cavs, the spurs' talent and experience are really way, way better than the cavaliers. And its not like they didn't try its just that the spurs are overwhelmingly better than them. Beside, every cav player can kick my dad's ass with his eyes close so my dad shouldn't really insult them.)
It is funny to note that I was once a daddy's girl. Yep, I was daddy's little princess! I got away with a lot of things and had more priviledges. (These days, sometimes I still do but I cringe in the injustice of it all. Anyway, my siblings doesn't seem to mind.) Yea... but that was before I realized my father is a horrible person and I dreaded being daddy's little girl. I mean, is the reason he likes me better is because I am like him? Oh please no! Fortunately, my mom told me it is because I was a behaved goody-good little girl that's why he like me. I was silent as a lamb, never argue, never rebeled and just said 'yes'; pretty much like my mom during their early years. Ha! He only liked me because I don't have a mind of my own! Good thing I grew up!
Don't bother telling me he probably love me in his own way. I seriously doubt my dad's capacity to love or if he knows what it means. I have valid reasons to doubt it, but I think devulging it would be too much. Afterall, I'm not Ruffa Gutierrez. And don't get me started how mean he is Bhubhu, meaness that I have never experienced until last night. Meaness that had been there ever since bhubhu knew how to talk.
