Ghost of Summet Past Dampens Dollar Boy Escapades

He flashed a really, really naughty smile.
I want that smile. I want to order myself a truckload of that smile to last me a lifetime. I'm suppose to write about how; if his smiles is a shirt on a window display, I will buy it. Immediately. Compulsively. In every size, in every color so that no else would have it. I melt everytime I think so his smile, I cover my face with a pillow because I'm grinning so big.


Then Delfin IMed me tonight. It isn't suppose to be a big deal until my head started spinning, my gut turning and I am in dire need of air, candy and a stable thing to hold on to. It isn't suppose to be a big deal, its ancient history for pete's sakes. It had been more than a year since we last talked. i just remembered that it is summer and he was my summer guy. Keyword : WAS.


Do I miss him? I'll tell you this. I dreamt of him last week. In my dream he is hanging around my house and I am fiercely fighting the urge to talk to him. I was actually biting my arm so that I couldn't speak. I woke up cursing.


He was a good buddy. We shared lots memorable conversations, atleast they are memorable to me. Booching flirting with Dollar boy always makes me remember how easy it was with Delfin.

But I'm still afraid of talking to him. I fear I'll freak out on him again. I fear I'll flirt with him again. I fear to continue the cycle that I ended a year and a half ago. He was one of the reasons I got depressed. It started with him, then things just got worse and worse until it had become to much. he was a small part of it but he was part of it. I'm just not sure if I'm ready yet.


But I guess there is really no way I'm going to be ready. It just upsets me.

This is suppose to be not a big deal. really.

Undergoing Reconstruction

I am reconstructing my blog because I am reconstructing myself too. Anyway, my previous posts are full of blah and I can't help cringing when i read them so I sent them to the worldwide web trash bin. Besides, it only shows a really, really sad, two-dimensional me. I don't want to be that person anymore and I'm changing my blog with me.

I've gone through a lot this year and this blog will be sort of part of my theraphy. So that i can dissect my thoughts and get to know myself better. You see, I got really depressed and I lost myself this year but being depressed got boring so I'm through with it and I want to find me again. Hopefully, this would help me.