The Things I did Last Summer

Summer is half done. Well, atleast for the rest of the country. I, on the otherhand, seemed to have an extended sumjmer vacation since it didn't really felt that last year's summer ended. I just realized that, but I shouldn't have been surprise. I took a year off, ofcourse summer didn't end for me. But of course, it was also this time last year when my whole world... well, I'm not sure if collapsed is the rigth word but the image of those anime scenes where the ground starts breaking then swallowed by the waters keep popping in my head. So my life, or at least my state of mind, is like the aftermath scenes where you realize you're still alize and you are wandering through all the wreckage to see if anyone else is still alive. Hmm... so how was I last summer...


It actually started well. Ofcourse by "well" I meant I was successfully pretending that my parents drama wasn't affecting me, that I wasn't freaked out by the fact that my bosses in my part-time job were just a few years older than me yet they seem so much older because well, they already have their own families and yet they don't seem more mature or wiser than I am. Also, it was the first summer without delfin and well I was trying really hard not miss him and defending my choices concerning him.

I also hate men that summer. umm...hate is too big, I sort of don't care that they exist. Except for one, who was a shooting star and somehow brighten my gloomy night even for just a while. But I don't like him romantically, I like him holistically. He was really a nice person. But other than him, I really didn't care.

Then I started having this drama of my own which was cause well by my mom's drama. But my drama was short-lived because my Lolo died. From then on, everything just became weird.

I didn't feel like me. My life looks different from my life. I simply doesn't recognize it anymore. It was weird. It was full of sadness and grief which I am not used. I was a child brought up with a rose-colored glasses. I actually have a rose-colored glasses! Sadness and grief didn't seem alright for me and if that was adult life is all about, I thought post-poning growing up would be a good idea.

So I did. My classmates got their jobs which did not really fulfill them. They've got all this horror stories and my post-poning adulthood made sense. yea...

I also cried a lot that summer. I think I stopped crying around September or maybe November. But I clearly remember that boredom started creeping in around September. Boredom was personified in the form of Dollar boy. Yeah, around September, I started noticing Dollar Boy. I thought I was bored and I think he was also the only decent-looking guy who I see regularly...hmmm... I really thought I was just bored then, anyway that was also before he saw me. I also read a lot, watched a lot of tv, played on the computer a lot. But I really read a lot. I've read a lot of books this year way more than I've read the past years.

Well, things have improved now. I no longer care that this is the second summer... well, I really no longer care. I cry less, well, I just cry the regularly amount of crying. I also no longer hate men, I am in fact pretty fond of certain boy; and really, he is more than decent-looking. Wounds have healed, the ones that haven't no longer hurt that much. A lot of healing came from the books. I'd like to start growing up now, I just wish life has a big safety net so something will catch me if ever I fall.

Oh right, safety net are called friends and family. I have those. I just don't want to be a burden to anyone. I also don't want to look like I've been to hell and back.

You know, I actually don't since now I take care of myself and I'm now more comfortable wearing clothes I don't used to wear.

Last year summer was a mess, so was I. I want to clean everything up.

Ghost of Summet Past Dampens Dollar Boy Escapades

He flashed a really, really naughty smile.
I want that smile. I want to order myself a truckload of that smile to last me a lifetime. I'm suppose to write about how; if his smiles is a shirt on a window display, I will buy it. Immediately. Compulsively. In every size, in every color so that no else would have it. I melt everytime I think so his smile, I cover my face with a pillow because I'm grinning so big.


Then Delfin IMed me tonight. It isn't suppose to be a big deal until my head started spinning, my gut turning and I am in dire need of air, candy and a stable thing to hold on to. It isn't suppose to be a big deal, its ancient history for pete's sakes. It had been more than a year since we last talked. i just remembered that it is summer and he was my summer guy. Keyword : WAS.


Do I miss him? I'll tell you this. I dreamt of him last week. In my dream he is hanging around my house and I am fiercely fighting the urge to talk to him. I was actually biting my arm so that I couldn't speak. I woke up cursing.


He was a good buddy. We shared lots memorable conversations, atleast they are memorable to me. Booching flirting with Dollar boy always makes me remember how easy it was with Delfin.

But I'm still afraid of talking to him. I fear I'll freak out on him again. I fear I'll flirt with him again. I fear to continue the cycle that I ended a year and a half ago. He was one of the reasons I got depressed. It started with him, then things just got worse and worse until it had become to much. he was a small part of it but he was part of it. I'm just not sure if I'm ready yet.


But I guess there is really no way I'm going to be ready. It just upsets me.

This is suppose to be not a big deal. really.

Chronicles of Dollar Boy 3

An Aquariumed Affair

Watching you like a fish
in a glass bowl, I'm startled
to see you staring back
at me. (You see fishes
don't usually see pass
their contained ocean.)

I'm amused with our language of stares
of silence, of secrecy, of subtlety.

I'm torn knowing if i reach my hand
through your glass walls
it will shatter, water will spill.

You'll be a fish without a world.
I'll be drench with smelly water.

I love and hate the glass windows of romance.



I haven't written a poem in an year and 3 months. I was a member of Thomasian writer's guild, I used to be good then all the shitty things in life happened and I lost everything even my writing. Then ofcourse, here I am writing a poem for a guy I barely know. Writing my first poem for over a year, picking up a pen, scrounging for paper. I love the feeling of putting that last period. I wrote that poem at 2 'o clock in the morning, just like old times. Just like old times. I wrote it in one sitting, even the title. Titles are my weakest point. But this time, I like my title. The thing is this poem is better than the last two I wrote. they were for a guy, he was a jerk and the poems are worse than he was. I have to squeeze those poems out of me because I owe an editor some materials for the annual folio, plus I sort of want to feel "right" to end things with the jerky guy and sort of meant those poems to be.. I don't know I wasn't thinking right at that time. and I'm glad that time was over. Anyway, love poems are not really my thing. I usually write about what I see and not really good in writing what I feel. I like this poem, it isn't cheesy and I've read it over and over again and I haven't cringe a bit. Well I don't care, I like it. And I like using words like "affair" and "romance", it sounds very adult! I just felt really good to write again. I felt happy. Not fun, not kilig just happy.

I had a chance to speak with Mr. Dollar Boy again and I didn't booched it this time. I think I came across as a bitch but I don't think he noticed. I think he was suprised I was talking to him, at least he looked surprised. Actually, he looked more surprised after we talked than at the start. he must be wondering why I talked to him. The thing is, I asked him for a favor. It was some favor because he actually broke the law. There's this bank secrecy law, where they are not suppose to give out information about a bank account to other than the person who owns the account. I heard it being mentioned a lot on congressional hearings about politian's bank accounts. I asked him information about my lola's account, because my lola is asking me to. I have a made up authorization letter courtesy of photoshop but I didn't show it to him because I have decided I am enough to get the info I need from him. I felt guilty about "using" him but I want find out if I can make him do things the other tellers won't do for me. And believe me, the other tellers won't do that for me, I've tried. Another thing, he isn't even in-charge of the checking accounts. He is in-charge of the foreign deposits and special accounts, so I guess I now fall into the special accounts. :P

I forgot to flirt though, again. Even when I said thank you, I was only semi-smiling but I'm pretty sure when I asked for help, I was smiling that time. I think he said something that was flirty but i"m not really sure if I heard him so I just replied a very,very profound "what?". Argh! there was a thousand voices screaming in my head and his voice was really soft at that time. Wait, I think he said something not flirty in a really flirty way, I think thats it. Well, I think the fact that I can now actually speak when I'm speaking to him is a big improvement form the last time.

I now know why I'm this crazy about him. At the moment when I fell in like with him, he looked at me intensely with really kind and gentle eyes. They were just really, really kind. You know, like the way Mama Mary statues look at you. It's not like nobody looked at me that way before, I didn't notice things like that, it's just that; that was the kind of look I needed at that time. I think I was so shy with him because I thought he saw right through with that look but now I don't think he did. He couldn't have. He just have really beautiful, kind and gentle eyes. hehehee

Chronicles of Dollar Boy 2

When I first thought of Chronicles of dollar boy; I envisioned it under "kilig". However, circumstances forced me to place the first entry under "Ye booched it" because I did booched it and now, I'm whining because there is a lot to whine about.

First of all, the flirty stares are still going on but is that all he can do? Well, now he is also flashing his incredible smile but, seriously, he needs to be more proactive than that so things can progress. There is just no way that I am going to talk to him if I dont have a valid reason. Sigh, I dont think he will ever talk to me if I dont talk to him first. So maybe its in my best interest to just forget about him.

There is no way I will forget about him. You see; not only that I think he is uberly cute, I booched while talking to him and I cannot live with that. I need to leave him a better impression. An impression that says "he-is-the-luckiest-mortal-on-earth-because-I-am-talking-to-him." I booched infront of him and I don't booch infront of guys I like so he now became a challenge of sorts for me. I just need one very decent, very flirty conversation. After that, I think i can move on.

Actually I had an oppurtunity to talk to him. I had a very,very valid reason to talk to him and a very, very good opening lines. I have to inquire about my Lola's current account and I know they are only allowed to give details of the accounts to their clients unless you have an authorization letter, so I need someone that cannot say "no" to me to make my life easier. I want to assume he cannot say "no" to me. I mean, he's a guy and I'm a girl; and whenever he sees me, I make it a point that I'm a very, very pretty girl. But then, as my luck would have it, he wasn't there.

HE'S NOT FREAKING THERE!

I was wearing a freaking sleeveless. I rarely wear sleeveless. Every guy I passed by was checking out, then the person to whom it is all for wasn't there? Unbelievable!

Maybe he was having his lunch or maybe, maybe he's in an operating room bargaining with death!

I memorized what I am going to say. I don't memorize even with school reports because i always know what to say and then it was all for nothing. That sucks.

So, I didn't got what I want and didn't even accomplish what my Lola wants me to do. Bad day. really bad day.

arrrghhhhhh

I really, really looked nice.

What do I have to do? The more things are not going my way, the more I am gonna be obsessed with him. That is not good.

I so hate him right now.

Holidays are helldays

This is suppose to be a christmas entry but I didn't have time and dollar boy was a more pressing issue so I had to write about him first. Another thing, I am not entirely sure if this entry is non-fiction or logical for that matter

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I love christmas and I am not a christmas grinch. Atleast, that is what I tell myself everytime christmas season comes around. Actually, I really do love christmas. I like the idea of everyone recieving and giving gifts. I love the idea of a Santa Clause. I love it that everyone deserves a gift because it is Jesus' birthday. I love christmas shopping. I love noche buena. I definitely love christmas trees and christmas lights. On the other hand, it seems that christmas doesn't like me. Bad christmas memories outwieghs the happy ones. In fact, I can only remember two happy ones. When i was about five years old and Santa gave me my secret christmas wish which is a parrot stuff toy. I swear, I didn't tell anyone that I like it and from then on I believed in Santa Clause, it odesn't matter if he doesn't come down from a chimmey or wears a red suit. Another happy christmas was the christmas of 2003, barely a month after my operation, I am just happy and thankful that I am celebrating christmas. I've already had 21 christmasses and just having two good ones isn't well, good. Anyway, this is how my last holidays went.

Going through the holidays grocery and gift shoppings had been exhilarating. Preparing the noche buena while watching Star Wars marathon well, lets just say I like cheese and my mom's spaghetti is the best ever. Choosing my christmas outfit was, well a blast; from my diva-like red blouse, to my stunning white pants, to my happy green shoes, to the red ribbon I put on my ponytail, I embodied christmas. So far so good right?

Then came christmas day.

Somehow, there are a lot of things to do and I am the only one who can do it. Everyone else is having a holiday except me. A green salad for other people I don't know and probably don't like. A macaroni salad which somehow isn't as good as my mom's. More gifts to wrap. Dirty dishes to wash. The table's a mess. The floor's a mess. I have no time to take a bath, I feel bad and I probably smell bad too. A godchild is knocking on the door, I don't want her to think my christmas best is an old school t-shirt, shorts and a messy hair. Next thing I know, I laying on my parents' bed; face down, tears making their way out my eyes, desperately thinking of Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. I just want to be in a happier place at that time. Then my dad asked me if I'm crying because I've heard of the news. News? What news? Am I suppose to hear a news that is suppose to make me cry? Wow. Last year's christmas when I was crying on christmas day because of a guy seemed really good right now.

The news is actually christmass-y, a teenage girl pregnant. Somehow, I didn't hear the angels sing hallelujah.

Fast forward to new year's day. Guess where I found myself just hours after fireworks ushered the new year in. It was almost surreal, but there I was, at the skyway, sitting on its pavement, throwing up. I was not drunk, my father is and he was the one driving. What happened was, the car hit something jusr before we enter the skyway and my head hit the car. I know I was hurt and I also know I no longer want to ride in the car. So, when I got my now angry drunk-driving dad to stop, I got out and threw-up. I threw-up because of hyper-acidity in my stomach, which I think was caused by fear, panic and something in the carbonara I had. My hands were shaking so hard, I've never thought hands can shake that much. I can barely see them moving but they are shaking like a ringing cellphone in silent mode. There was nothing left for me to throw-up, so my dad is begging me to get back to the car which I wouldn't do, so he threathened to jump off the sky way. By that time, I started questioning the reality of everything. Anyway, skyway patrol finally got to us and that was when I noticed my sister resting her head on the railings of skyway. I leaned my head too, after all not everyone can claim they rested their head on the railings of skyway.

Riding at the back of the service van of the skyway patrol, we passed by a billboard of a rock royalty. It made me remember that I used to have normal life. I missed that. At that time, my life seemed to be a telenovela that I wouldn't even watch, worst of all, I don't have control over the creative content.

Chronicles of Dollar boy

Here in Chronicles of Dollar boy, I will feature my adventures concerning Dollar boy. You see, Dollar boy is quite special since he is the first guy I like after i stopped hating men and the whole world all together. So, I just have to write about him. Anyway, normally this should be under the kilig section but due to what i have to tell you; i will place it under YE BOOCHED IT. Ye booch it is from Puzzle Pirates (great game, check it out!) whejn the navigator, well booched navigating. Booch means doing way worse than poor. Its the same with screwing or messing things up. Booching means failing. now, that we are done with the definition of terms, we now move on to my really, really pathetic story.

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Santa is such a sweetie, he decided to put may lovelife in a less pragmatic mode! Lola asked me to tranfer funds from her dollar account to her current account and what does that mean? The one thing that I am ernestly hoping for: a transaction with dollar boy. You see, dollar boy is a bank teller in my lola's bank and for the past 6 months, I think I've visited that bank at the minimum of once a week. Since I am in a hermit mode them, mostly they are the only people I ame in contact with aside ofcourse from the SSS Manila people, which we also frequent. He is tall and have a really, really intoxicating pair of eyes. I also know his real name, but I am not gonna use because "Dollar boy" is just more dreamy than his real name.

Anyway, since I've been dreaming about this transaction for so long I put extra effort in looking perfect. I even wear my hair like I did when Japs saw me. I even tagged my sister along for moral support, besides I need her opinion on Dollar boy. So, things are going smoothly; I look good, I sound good, my mind is not failing me and I am offering everyone a smile. I am a creature unlike any other! Since I first have to transact with the savings account person, I have time to spare. That was when things go wrong.

My nerves are getting to me, so I try to distract myself by talking to Bhubhu, by laughing with Bhubhu and by pestering Bhubhu. I also try to calm myself, repeating my mantra " I am a princess. I am a princess. I am princess." But as I was walking over to him, he turned and looked directly at me. I froze, he was surprised but he immediately got over it. So, I continued walking towards him (didn't think 2 feet would take so much time to cover). I placed the two forms in fromt of him and tried to remember what I must ask him to do. He had actually scan the two forms before I formed what I have to say. He must think I'm a pea brain. I really don't like myself right now. But then again, he saw my UST id, so I can't be a total pea brain. Another bad thing my id picture isn't bad but it also doesn't say GODDESS! Furthermore, my ID states my real name and my real name is always an excuse for guys to flirt with me but he didn't flirt with me. If he did, I might have remembered to flirt with him. I really cannot believe myself.

You know, I think he enjoyed watching me suffer because he was smiling and after i took my seat to wait for him to process my transaction, he was giggling. And, my sister does not also like him (though she doesn't know I like him) because he was too giggly. On the positive side, he called my last name instead of my lola's last name so I guess he cares enough to took notice of me unlike the other teller who didn't (anyway, the other teller is gay) But that was the only positive thing, would you believe I even forgot to get Lola's bankbook from him. I totally suck.

and i need a major, major second chance.

Help!Bheng!what should I do? Because I booched this, I now realize, I really like him. Well, atleast for now...

One rockstarry starry night

My sister begged me to watch the Rivermaya concert in SM Sta. Rosa. Since I am a good sister and I love her very much I agreed, eventhough dirty-looking guys in black shirts creeps the hell out of me. Besides, I've already seen them perform live so they no longer excite me. But my sister was really happy, in fact "happy" does not seem to be enough so i have to search the net for a bigger word for happy. She is exulted. If I am that happy, I think I will float. And Rivermaya is really good. I've always love watching someone doing what they're great at. Anyway, what made the night very interesting for me was when my Bhubhu was asking for their autograph and Rico's picture, I told her to also take a picture of Japs. So this is how their conversation went:

Bhubhu: Picture para kay Ate.

Japs: Asan si Ate?

Bhubhu pointed out Ate.

Japs waved at me.

I waved back

Japs: Ang cute pala ni Ate.

Well, Japs, I think your'e so fine as well.

So Japs Sergio said I'm cute. It doesn't even matter that he probably had forgotten about me by now. He's a rockstar, he must always be surrounded by beautiful women, but still at that moment he thinks I'm cute.

I really don't know where this entry is going to, maybe I just want to brag, a rockstar said I'm cute. (Take that, my ex Dried Danget!)

I used to hate it when people describe me as cute, but then I also describe a lot of people cute including Japs. For me, "cute" is in the same league as "cool". Everybody understands it but it almost doesn't mean anything. It's just a word. And I guess, words have lost their meaning in this age. Or maybe, words have become so subjective. It means differently to different people, even if they are involved in the same conversation. Words have become open to different interpretation, you almost forget what they really mean. Especially if they are weak words like cute and cool. But for powerful words like "love", they don't really lose their meaning even if every person have an interpretation of what love means. You see, they are more than 6 billion people on earth, so there must be more than 6 billion interpretations of the word love; but deep down, love still meant the same thing. It means something more than words can give meaning to.

I think its funny how I turned this into something remotely philosophical.

Anyway, what I like about the Japs incident is if he thinks I'm cute then, Mr. Dollar Boy, who works with women who can almost blend into the walls, must think I'm way more than cute. Especially, when japs saw me, I'm just wearing a T-shirt and doesn't even have any make-up on (fine, i have lipgloss) whereas, whenever Mr. Dollar Boy sees me, I make sure I'm perfect. Hmmm.... now, if only he will say something.

Another thing, Japs doesn't have to say I'm cute but he still did (heck, he doesn't have to wave at me! That was sweet, thank you Japs. And you didn't look like rockstar when you did that, you just look normal and normal felt good :D) Atleast he's better than the rest of us, who wants to say something, who have to say something but still keeps our mouth shut.

I don't really have a crush on Japs, but I guess now i couldn't help myself to smile when i see him on TV. He's a rockstar! I have a right to feel kilig!:P

And, being a good Ate, definitely have its benefits! hehe

Undergoing Reconstruction

I am reconstructing my blog because I am reconstructing myself too. Anyway, my previous posts are full of blah and I can't help cringing when i read them so I sent them to the worldwide web trash bin. Besides, it only shows a really, really sad, two-dimensional me. I don't want to be that person anymore and I'm changing my blog with me.

I've gone through a lot this year and this blog will be sort of part of my theraphy. So that i can dissect my thoughts and get to know myself better. You see, I got really depressed and I lost myself this year but being depressed got boring so I'm through with it and I want to find me again. Hopefully, this would help me.